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VOL. 11

MONDAY, JULY 10, 2006

The Muskrat wins big at Furcadia Awards

All of Furcadia's glamour in one place at one time! Who wore what? Who won what awards? Who drank too much Cristal and vomited into Felorin's lap? The Muskrat gives you this exclusive report on the 16th annual Furcadia Awards. Dubbed the "Furkys," these awards have been given to honor those Furcadians who are the sexiest, best dressed, and just the greatest at... whatever it is that they do.

that's totally photoshopped man

Freaky Furky

Tonight, The Muskrat (which is what you're reading now, you fool) was given a record four Furkys. We won in the categories of Most Honest News Website, Funniest Liar, Blandest Colored Furcadia-related Website, and Best Supporting Actor (for El Borracho in his portrayal of Nikodemus). We at the Muskrat thank the Academy, because otherwise we'd look like ingrates and then people would hate us even more.

Anyways, we also stick our tongues out in :P fashion at those who lost. To those losers, we say: Ha, ha, ha! In your FACE!

 

Poetry Corner

The poetry corner returns! You probably didn't want this, but we'll pretend you did.

The Agony of Colour Theft

My colours: they are stolen

By some person I've never seen before

Oh, great suffering this inflicts

Upon me

My painstaking expression of creativity is all for naught

Because someone used the same colours as I

Also, note how I spell it "colours" despite the fact that I'm American

It just looks more sophisticated that way

I will not let the colour thief get away with this heinous act

Of plagiarism

What a jerk!

 

Joan of Furc burned at the stake

Burning Joan

Joan goes up in flames! :D

The Vinca was filled with the stench of burnt fur today (and roses, oddly) as Joan of Furc was executed by fire after she was convicted of heresy. Joan had become famous lately due to her rallying of oppressed Haveners against the occupying Vincanians. This was spurred, she claimed, by visions of the Primes, who told her to take up her people's cause. Doctors attribute these visions to schizophrenia, and also the fact that she was a witch.

 

Alts for sale

The following alts are for sale. We accept small island nations, heavy arms and ammunition, or Hello Kitty stationery.

 

Bobo Touchyhands

Angeldemonsuccubus92

Genital Soul

HI FURCADIA

 

Summer festival nearing

The Festival of the Sun, Furcadia's heathen ritual celebration of the false idol pagan sun goddess M'Rill, draws near. Beginning on this Friday the 14th, furres from all over Furcadia will gather to burn 80-foot-tall effigies, daub their faces with mud, summon demons, and submit poorly made contest entries in the hopes of getting an "Honorable Mention" prize.

This festival marks the beginning of a new contest: the "Design a Character" Contest. All you have to do is write a description of a character and they give you free digos! It's that simple! Really!!

We at The Muskrat couldn't pass up such a great opportunity! So, by M'Rill, we wrote a character description!

For a theme, we decided a bull character would be appropriate for the coming bovine update which will be here never. Because we love you (as a friend), we thought we'd give you a preview of our submission.

Name: Binky Largehuge

Standing at an impressive 12' 7" and weighing about as much as a small elephant, his monstrous bovine bulk casts a pitch black shadow over you, unless the sun is behind you. Or if it's night.

His grotesquely inflated muscles bulge violently, engulfing his entire body in a quivering, nightmarish mass. He wears a skin-tight singlet of a rose-colored floral design and sparkly stiletto heels that punch holes in the ground wherever he walks. Sorry about the property damage.

Descended from a long line of famous warrior bulls, Binky left his home at the age of fourteen to join a traveling band of manicurists and hairdressers. Forced to maintain his coquettish charm, he nurses deep, dark memories of skipping gleefully through flowery meadows. These tragic memories return to him at inappropriate times, with hilarious results.

 

If you think we should win, please spam contests@furcadia.com with ridiculous, impossible threats in all capital letters. It is your civic duty. Exercise democracy and vote today!

 

Letters to the editor

Yesterday, Felorin flew in on his pink hot air balloon to personally ask us to continue the "Letters to the editor" feature. We don't want to get banned, so here's a letter we received from an anonymous Jacob:

 

Subject: Honestly;

Awesome website. Lots of laughs. Anyway to join it?

unsigned (but it's really Jacob)

 

Hello, Jacob. Mind if I call you Jake? Or perhaps Jimmy?

Anyways, Timmy, you're definitely welcome to send us articles, ideas, pictures, whatever! Most people just give

us ideas and we're forced to do all the work. This makes us very angry, but we never hit people. We vent our frustrations on pillows. It's a very healthy way of relieving stress. You should try it, Sammy.

So, if you've got any ideas, send them our way, Michael! If we don't think they're funny, though, we may be forced to destroy you. Or at least mercilessly edit them.

So, Laura, remember not to eat wrenches or pliers on an empty stomach, and always wash your hands before throwing rocks and other hard, heavy objects at the cops. Wealth and financial independence can be yours with only three easy payments of $29.95.

 

 
by Beekin's mighty hammer!