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VOL. 5

SUNDAY, MAY TWENTY-EIGHT, 2006

Furcadian radio stations clash

ALLEGRIA ISLAND — The peaceful evening stillness in Allegria was disturbed on Friday when shots broke out in the vicinity of WFRC Nite Radio. Guardians quickly responded, but were powerless to contain the violence that erupted across Allegria and Furrabian Nights.

Nite Radio owner NiteMyste and Furcadia Radio founder Deja Greycloud were witnessed battling in Allegria, surrounded by the dead bodies of their listeners. NiteMyste, armed with a switchblade, slashed viciously at Deja, who countered with powerful thumps with her cudgel. Deja seemed to be winning when NiteMyste vanished into some convenient shadows.

The fighting began when disgruntled post office employee Zang Jian aired bad laundry in Deja's red and black face. Tempers flared, allies were mobilized, guerillas were released from zoos, and muscular men oiled up their chests.

A cease fire has been called while the armies search their hard drives for angry Industrial music to set the mood.

 

The Muskcho? No!

What kind of headline is that? "Muskcho"?! That doesn't even make sense! Who comes up with this carp?!

 

Guess

What? Why should I? I'm not here to play your little games.

 

I bet you'd like to know :X)

No, not really. I couldn't care less. In fact, I'm going to call you Gar from now on, just to annoy you.

 

Doesn't bother me

Gar Gar Gar Gar Gar!

 

Whatever

Gar Gar Gar Gar Gar Gar Gar Gar! Ha ha, you're Gar!

 

And what if I am?

You are?

 

No

Oh.

 

Alts for sale

The following alts are for sale. We decided to be charitable this time and give them away for free. First person to email us will get instructions on how to make them! Or if they're already taken, instructions on how to coerce them from other people!

 

Antiposterioritismical

Cutie Patootie

I Hate Gays, Jews, and Blacks, and also Intolerant People

I Hate People Who Have Really Long Names

Bovine*

Ursine**

Ornithorhynchine Trinoculus Leprus***

 

* A really cool alt for the upcoming Cow update!

** A really cool alt for the upcoming Bear update!

*** A really cool alt for the upcoming Three-eyed Platypus with Leprosy update!

censored for younger viewers

Marvin Gaye never intended this sort of sexual healing.

Furrabia Hospital's bad medical practices exposed

FURRABIAN NIGHTS — Dr. Stan W. Pawysilver earned his M.D. from Harvard Medical School. His thesis was titled "Binary Fission Disorders in Ribosomes of Wolf-taurs and Chakats." Well-respected in the medical community, this guy knows his stuff.

So when he found himself in Furrabia Hospital for a head wound sustained from a spirited debate with Talzhemir, he was shocked by the medical attention provided to him.

"I first noticed things were a bit unorthodox when the nurse didn't apply direct pressure to my wound with gauze, but instead used her mammaries." said Pawysilver. "I protested this treatment vocally, citing the inherent sanitary risks of blood-borne disease transmission."

"Then I was sent to the Emergency Room and a doctor examined my wound," Pawysilver continued. "He told me that he was going to alleviate my pain. He then applied his mouth over mine.

I attempted to explain to him that I was in no need of artificial respiration, that my breathing was normal. In response, he told me to relax and that he was going to inject 10 cc of #&$? into my #&$ and #&$? me until I was #&$?ting #&$?." Pawysilver added, "That was about when I made a mad dash for the door. When I was out of the hospital, I continued running for about 30 minutes until I passed out from blood loss."

Alternative medicine or incompetency?

Furrabian Hospital gynecologist Dr. Watsen Pawylivrs was available for comment. "We practice integrative medicine here. We operate on the principle that a hospital should heal a patient completely. A patient who is suffering from sexual intercourse deficiency is properly treated." When asked if 'sexual healing' was more urgent than dressing an openly bleeding head wound, Paylivrs replied in the affirmative. "It's not that stopping the bleeding isn't important too, but it's just a lot more fun to chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim charoo."

 

Illiteracy crisis in Furcadia

Illiteracy has become a growing problem in Furcadia. As many as 20% of furres are unable to read even the simplest of words. "If only I knew what these symbols meant!" bemoaned an anonymous furre, whose name is Liver St. Spawnya. "I envy those of you who can just look at a word and know what it means."

Many of Furcadia's most well-known citizens have been revealed to be completely illiterate. Leah, Youlanda, Emerald Flame, and Cluracan cannot read or write, due to lack of education or spiders nesting in their brains.

Youlanda agreed to an interview on Furcadia to discuss her disability. It was a pretty short and pointless interview.

 

The Muskrat: lol how did u come up with Furgaydia

Youlanda: I'm sorry, I don't understand you. I can only communicate by punching my computer screen in morse code. Goodbye.

You have been ejected from this dream.

* You're back in the Vinca nexus again, the landfill of Furcadia. Furres like you and other garbage from all over Furcadia gets dumped here. Watch out for the hypodermic needles, they make ouchies.

Nonprofit public health organization FAM has developed an easy 5-question quiz to help determine if you may be illiterate. This quiz is not intended to replace a proper medical examination. For that, please visit Furrabia Hospital.

 

Furcadia illiteracy test

Can you read this?
Do you have allergies to pollen, cranberry sauce, or human dander?
Do you have strange fantasies about Felorin or Talzhemir that confuse and disturb you at night?
Do you incorrectly describe furres who use netspeak as "illiterate"?
Are you now, or were you ever, a dirty beekin?

 

Well, are you?