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VOL. 50

MONDAY, APRIL 28, 2008

The Muskrat returns from the dead!

A year ago, The Muskrat published its last issue. The reason? Laziness, mostly. Also, bitterness. Bitterness that caused us to cling to guns and religion. We were so bitter, that even coffee addicts found us undrinkable.

It's poifect! (groan)

Poi.

But after a year of doing nothing but eating poi, we got bored and wondered what we could do with The Muskrat. Since we cling to religion, we wondered, "what would Jesus do?" and the answer hit us like a ton of kiwis. Resurrect it from the dead! Turn it zombie and maybe someone will make a holiday out of it where people steal multicolored eggs from an ovulating giant rabbit! So we enlisted the help of some of our best reporters and artists and came up with The Muskrat First Annual Anniversary Issue!

Hopefully this will ensure that we are not forgotten, unlike Randomism. Poor, forgotten Randomism.

And if we find that we are still forgotten, you will know why we cling to guns. Oh, you will know.

 

Making the Anniversary Issue

When we contacted our reporter and artist slaves to "ask" for their "assistance" in this issue, we gave them the strictest orders of secrecy. The first ground rule was:

 

1. you don't talk about The Muskrat Anniversary Issue.

 

The second rule was similar, but completely different:

 

2. you do not talk about The Muskrat Anniversary Issue.

 

Don't.

This is just part of the comic! Click for the entire thing, you maroon!

As you can imagine, these two rules proved difficult for some to follow. Celebrated mangaka Pods shows how difficult this was for some in the following comic.

 

The comic.

 

Damadar writes excrement

Damadar, this one guy we know, has been on a publishing binge lately. His first website, called WT,F (which apparently stands for "What The, Furcadia") gave us all the interesting Furcadia-related news we could handle without being heavily medicated. Now, he has a site called KRAP, which is like The Muskrat but Damadarier. To appear humble, we insist that it is much better than ours and that we are not in competition with him. Of course, despite our very friendly relationship with him, this means that Damadar will no longer have anything to do with The Muskrat.

 

The End Times

by Damadar

Demonstrators today in Naia Green stood in front of The Muskrat's Editorial Office in an attempt to stop the last issue of The Muskrat from appearing in newsstands everywhere.

Leading the demonstration was Damadar, the primary editor and writer of the competing newspaper, KRAP (Kasuria's Really Awesome Paper). He was standing out in front of the building with his KRAP! T-shirt on and a megaphone in hand. "The Muskrat is dead! Long live The Muskrat!" he shouted, rallying the rioters into an irrational frenzy with every passing moment. This follows the disappearance of thousands across Furcadia, a remarkable feat that all but the newly-ensconced worshippers of The Primes have failed to explain away.

Inside the paper's monolithic editorial building, El Borracho and Ydalv stroked their chins in fear, worried that the demonstrators might, in fact, do as Damadar was suggesting and storm the building. In the bowels of the building, mixed with the rats and the other sewer-vermin, The Muskrat was busy churning away with its last dying breaths, running as quickly as possible to try and get the last few editions of The Muskrat off of the printing press.

DEP officials arrived on the scene moments later, called in by El Borracho. The persuasive Oratory of Supreme Potentate Nicolae Carpathia, AKA Cironir, quieted all but Damadar, whom he then shot with his Guardian Power Sig Sauer P230, and it became obvious to everyone present that Cironir had been right and Damadar had been wrong. El Borracho, now known to be the one and only Leon Fortunato, has become second in command to Cironir as he slowly takes over Furcadia, turning the separate kingdoms into one solidified country.

Now all the news reports are controlled by Cironir and El Borracho, and the world is better for it. It is expected that in the coming days, following Cironir's resurrection after his startling assassination at the hands of Ydalv (who is now in hiding), he will proclaim himself God.

Furcadians are expected to take the mark of Cironir on their forehead any day now.

 

Things happened

During the run of The Muskrat, much complaining was done about how long it was taking the hilariously small staff of DEP to finish their update. Then once we went away, newsworthy things started happening. DEP are jerks like that.

Anyway, here is a recap of things that happened while we were gone.

  • FOX animation
  • the particle engine
  • a new server
  • live and shared dream editing
  • DS buttons
  • Leonens
  • Tygards
  • Bats
  • Bears
  • Werewolves
  • Penguins
  • Chinchillas
  • Foxens
  • Furlings
  • Manticores
  • Flox
  • Chupacabras
  • Unicorns
  • Klingons
  • Squids
  • Finns
  • Amoebas
  • Richard Nixon

Okay. This is ridiculous, there are way too many things to list. Just read Damadar's blog or something if you want to know. Jeez.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that Furcadia is really, really gay? This means that anyone who likes it is also really, really gay. If you don't want people to think you're really, really gay, you'd better act like you hate Furcadia. Blindly conforming to mainstream society's bigotry is the intelligent, self-confident thing to do.

 

The Muskrat interviewed

Oh, I almost forgot. WT,F interviewed us. If you haven't read it yet, thrash yourself soundly with a moderate length of twine and then proceed to read it. This is not a request.

 

Alts for sale

We are selling the following alts for a butt.

 

Johnny Cage

Kano

Liu Kang

Raiden

Scorpion

Sub-Zero

Sonya Blade

Goro

Shang Tsung

Cyrax

Sektor

Mileena

Smoke

Kung Lao

Nightwolf

Jade

Stryker

n00b saibot

If you can, please explain this picture to us.

Furcadia, apparently. We need saner illustrators.

Felorin steps down!

by Masterdeeds

Recently on the Furcadia Forums Felorin made a post which deeply offended long-time friend and programming rival sanctimonious. The orange fox was later seen in Naia Green muttering murderously to himself, much to the fright of newfurres and Welcomers. It appears that the product of this evil genius's planning (which resembles a giant web of threats, blackmail, and candy) is Felorin being forced to give up his rights over Furcadia.

This reporter just so happened to be at the scene and has the complete logfile including all of the whispers involved so all can know what happened!

The complete logfile.

Where is Felorin now? Some say he has gone into hiding to plan his triumphant return to power. Some say he's taking a vacation in Hawaii, completely at ease since Furcadia will not be able to stay on its feet with the new management. This reporter found him in Wisconsin, drowning his sorrows in a keg of Spotted Cow. Although Felorin would not speak to me, the sight of him downing glass after glass of beer was saddening.

 

Come back Felorin, we love you. #SL

Masterdeeds is an anthropomorphic plate of hummus hovering quietly several miles above Siberia. She is a classically-trained kazooist.

 

 

Well Poisoned

Sealeigh Madupnaym — The town of Sealeigh Madupnaym, one of Furcadia's most prosperous settlements, has encountered a problem. The town well, which provides the life of the community since it is the only source of water, has apparently been poisoned. Experts we ran into repeatedly told us that this poison is non-lethal, and those who drink it are not immediately aware of its effects, but after continued exposure to it they are struck by a nasty disease known as Hilirimpsis.

Ha! Ha! Hilirimpsis is hilirious!

The Welcome Dragon has been trying to warn us about the disease.

Furres with this condition gradually turn into bitter, angry creatures whose cynicism and apathy towards the community prevent them from doing anything about it. The symptoms are generally more noticeable in furres who have drunk from the well longer, although many long-time residents have apparently built up an immunity and show no signs of Hilirimpsis. The Hilirimpsis epidemic has resulted in a general decline in the mood of this once happy town.

This has naturally resulted in lots of complaining and little action. One furre, Sawwa Silverptyn, wanted very much for

us to know that she was tired of all the complaining. "Well, if they hate it so much, why don't they just stop drinking the water? They act like someone's forcing them to not die of dehydration."

The cause of the poisoning is still under investigation, but a juicy rumor that we're happy to propagate for our own personal gain states that the community's leaders are actually the ones who are poisoning the well. These community leaders couldn't be contacted, not that we tried very hard.

Certain members of the population were happy to hear this rumor when we told it to them. "Well, that's just awesome!" said Vasa "Wnt" Swilpery. "This means that my distrust of authority is justified!"

However, others were quick to dismiss the rumor. Stanley Swarvpiw told us, "Well, the leaders of our community are incapable of doing anything that's not perfect, so this can't be true!"

Toaster flies are pesky insects.

The flying toaster, also known as Heavenly.

We wanted to get the opinions of more furres, but a freakish flying toaster came out of nowhere and chased us out of town.

I hate those friggin' toasters. Oh well.

 

Art thieves' deaths labeled suicides

by P.E. Drancron

Duckburg, Calisota (FP) — Cironir has ruled the deaths of notorious patch and dream thieves "Slubber" d'Gullion and Wishy de Ath to be suicides. His statement has overjoyed many Furcadians supporting the artists formerly implicated in d'Gullion and de Ath's deaths.

Last January, passersby discovered two bodies spread across several locations in Hawthorn. After several days of hunting for sufficiently undamaged body parts, Guardians used Pixel-NA tests to identify the bodies as those of cat d'Gullion and his partner, mouse de Ath. In the following months, evidence connected several dreamweavers and patchmakers with their deaths. Furcadians hailed the artists as heroes, holding mass vigils in support of the implicated artists.

Both d'Gullion and de Ath had a

reputation as art thieves, allegedly stealing patches and dreams for resale on the black market. Despite continued public outcry, the cat and mouse team managed to escape banishment despite continued scrutiny from Guardians. According to one spokesfurre, "They were equal opportunity thieves. Because they weren't directly harassing anyone, we couldn't take the necessary steps to stop them."

When asked by reporters how the duo could have managed to brutally dismember their own corpses after dying, Cironir replied, "I figure, if someone knowingly invites the homicidal wrath of Furcadian artists, they're pretty much asking for it. In my book, that's suicide."

P.E. Drancron is an award-winning journalist and bodybuilder. His massive, bulging abs are only matched by his massive, bulging journalistic integrity!

 

 

False Advertising

by Adam Komar

As we all know, players of Furcadia have long created alts for all of their altruistic, malicious and other intentions that no one cares about in any way. Well, now there's a new rash plaguing Furcadia's buttocks. Players are now creating characters with names that seem as great and powerful as the Lord Almighty. (I'm not talking about any god. That's just an alt's name.) However, these names are misleading. They come to your comfy little chat area with the guise of superheroism, but only disappoint by delivering deeds of mischief and mayhem. Proceed with caution with encountering the following players:

Flamethrower: Don't be too quick to label this guy as an amazing arsonist. The truth is he is followed by a cult of midgets. Not just any midgets, but homosexual midgets. These are the "flames" he throws. So remember, kids: When Flamethrower comes around, pull out your Bibles, fire up your virtues and nail this guy to a cross with your hypocrisy.

Robbin' Hood: Yes, kids, he's back! The great man who steals from the rich (you know who you are, Daiktana and Cruncher) and gives to the poor (me) is

back in town to save us from our own self-induced poverty! Oh, wait, no. That's a different guy. "Robbin' Hood" has been running amuck in Naia Green, stealing the precious hoods of players who just want to keep warm. He also commits random, meaningless crimes in Furcadia's own "Hood": Acropolis. He's got ghetto fevuh there ain't be no pill dat can cure his cold! Don't let him sneeze in your Kool-Aid... or "Red" as the Ghetto People call it.

Handlender: This final freak of Furcadia sounds like a do-gooder, but the things he does are no good at all. You'd think this guy would gift you a few scales to purchase that Silver Sponsorship subscriptions or maybe he'll just give you a pat on the back when you finish that dream you've been working on for six months. Guess again! This guy runs around FurN, "lending his hand" to various patrons, commiting act after act of sexual "crimes". The devil has found his playground and its in the palm of Handlender. Streak and have promiscuous yiffs with random strangers at your own risk with Handlender on the loose!

Adam Komar is also known as Comic Entendre, if you catch my drift.

 

 

Internet taken seriously

The "Internet", a new method of talking to people through something called a "computer", has lately become very popular among Furcadians. This new phenomenon has been welcomed as a good way of distracting the populace from Furcadia's werewolf shortage, but recently there have been reports of people taking it seriously.

Grock, a feline Internet expert and recent high school graduate, explained to our reporter the plague of Internet serious-taking. "Well, you see, there are all these people sitting at computers and talking to other people. It's not like when you're talking to someone in person or on the phone or in a letter. At least with those, you know everything about the person, while on the Internet, there's no

way to tell anything about them. People keep taking this stuff seriously, though, as if when you talk to someone on the Internet, that person has thoughts and feelings. Therefore, anyone who takes the Internet seriously is an idiot, and I'm better than them!"

Later that afternoon, our reporter caught up with Grock for a few more questions. We found him staring sullenly at the ground. "My best friend online just stopped talking to me for the stupidest reason," he said. "This really rips me up." Before we could respond, another Internet expert nearby gave her input. "God, it's so easy to feel superior to these noobs," she laughed. "Taking the internet seriously. SRS BSNS, LMAO!"

Sighing, our reporter walked away from the ensuing battle.

 

Escape from The Sinister Tropical Island That Has "HI!" Written On It

The Sinister Tropical Island That Has "HI!" Written On It — Most furres, when asked about The Sinister Tropical Island That Has "HI!" Written On It, have fallen asleep before the question is finished, due to the island's really ridiculously long name. Those that manage to stay awake until the end claim that they have never heard of such an island, and that we're just making crap up to waste their time.

But what these furres may not know is that The Sinister Tropical Island That Has "HI!" Written On It, despite being tropical and having "HI!" written on it, is truly sinister.

Kiyichichi and some random green guy we don't know the name of were sailing around in the Allegria Archipelago, exploring the reefs and small tropical islands of the archipelago, when they spotted the island in the distance. The random green guy we don't know the name of, I guess we'll just call him Greenie McBeenie, suggested to Kiyichichi that they might find some great shells there. Kiyichichi agreed, and they maneuvered their small sailboat towards the island.

Soon after they landed on the island, Kiyichichi noticed there were some large rainbow letters hovering inexplicably over the beach. "At the time, I didn't think it was weird at all," Kiyichichi explained to our reporter. "Those big hovering letters are everywhere in Furcadia. I try not to think about it."

But then she discovered something else. "There was this stuffed animal there on the beach, just staring at us. I think it's called a pookie. Holy crap, it was freaky. At this point, I started to get nervous. Greenie McBeenie was already panicking, like the coward he is, but I

The Sinister Tropical Island That Has "HI!" Written On It. Photo by Kiyichichi.

tried to keep a cool head."

Greenie McBeenie and Kiyichichi decided to get off the sinister tropical island (that has "HI!" written on it) as soon as they could. But then it got much worse, said Kiyichichi. "I turned around and our sailboat was gone. It was just gone. And the pookie was still there, watching us. Really creepy."

"We tried to ignore it," Kiyichichi continued. "We made a fire and prepared for the night, even though it was probably always daytime in that dream. But it just kept staring at us. Greenie finally couldn't take it anymore. He... he threw himself into the fire." Our reporter offered to stop the interview at this emotional moment, but Kiyichichi bravely forged on. "He... he was a good alt. But I couldn't give in to grief, I had to get off the island, at all costs. I couldn't let what happened to Greenie happen to me!"

It was now up to her. Kiyichichi explained how, with great bravery, she finally picked up the pookie and threw it into the fire. And it burned.

Then, since she was a bat, she flew off the island. "Why didn't I just do that in the first place?" she asked our reporter angrily. Our reporter just shrugged.