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VOL. 48

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2007

Death of a muskrat

This is the vey last issue of The Muskrat. There will be no more issues.

More details in the next issue (Saturday).

 

Demons from FurN attack forums

The Furcadia Forums, usually an excessively happy place where negative thoughts are punishable by death, received a shock this week when members of various FurN groups tainted it with their shocking, scandalous ways.

The Great Idle Skirmish

The first wave of brutal attacks came from the "idle pit", which is where FurN roleplayers go to sleep off the previous night's excesses. The area soon attracted a colony of fleshy muppet-like slime creatures that feed on each others' life energies. The damage caused by the creatures of these "idle pits" was fortunately contained to a small area and quickly forgotten about.

Battle of the Fires

However, the forums were later attacked by a more aggressive species of ...indeterminate lifeform... from FurN's "fire pits". As can be expected, sulfur-scented flames flew everywhere and anyone venturing into the forums was torn to shreds by the soulless, unfeeling creatures.

We caught up with Vanity W. Slawpers, one of the demons of the fire pits. When asked what it thought of the groups' effect on other furres, Slawpers replied, "What? I'm not a furry." Indeed, when we typed "look vanity" to gain a clearer perspective of its character, Beekin told us, "Sorry, that furre is not in this dream!" That Beekin, such a helpful dragon. Slawpers then ejected a plume of flame at our reporter, burning him to a crisp. This was expected.

Furcadian psychologist Swayvin St. Lawper spoke to us about how the FurN creatures came to be while she counted a roll of hundred dollar bills. "Once, they were normal Furcadians like you and me. Well, like me at least. I fear that the atmosphere of FurN has warped them terribly. If you hang around dream portals that have creepy fetish names all the time, well... it can really mess with you." St. Lawper then went on to talk about the reporter's mother.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that Felorin is eating your soul? A little-known fact is that the real purpose of Furcadia is to slowly drain your soul, much like the disgusting, curdled contents of a month-old carton of milk are drained into the sink. Once your soul has been completely drained, you grow tired of Furcadia and quit for a while. Then, after your soul has had a chance to heal, the withdrawal symptoms begin to take effect and force you to return. This is why no one ever truly quits Furcadia: Felorin is always thirsty for more curdled milk.

 

Alts for sale

We be selling the following alts for billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles.

 

Frag Lip

Allegria Island

Algeria Island

Allergic Island

Al Jerry Islington

Angry Sandals

Secret Alt For Spying On Friends

Furcadia-like planet discovered

A team of astronomer beekins announced they have discovered the furriest and potentially most Furcadia-like extrasolar planet yet. Five times as glorified a chat client as Furcadia, it orbits a relatively cooler and more fun star at a distance that would provide Furcadian temperatures as well, signalling the possibility of humans, furres' sole food source.

The planet has been named Anthro 581 c, short for "Anthropomorphic Animal Planet version 0.5.81c Open Beta".

Greener pastures?

"With the way Furcadia's headed nowadays, with the botched War On Trolling and furre-produced angst polluting our atmosphere, our beloved Furcadia is surely contaminated beyond repair," droned former-DEP-member-turned-activist Ghost Tiger as he clicked through a PowerPoint presentation. "As you can see from this pie chart, Anthro 581 c is perhaps our best bet for when

we want to get off this doomed, DOOMED planet." "DOOMED," Tiger added.

 

photograph by European Southern Observatory and Talzhemir

The Furcadia-like planet may be capable of sustaining life, unlike Furcadia.

But others remain skeptical. "I've been to lots of other planets," smirked Supreme Master Felorin the Chocolatemonger. "World of Warcraft, Second Life, Conker's Bad Fur Day, the list goes on. But none compare to Furcadia's friendly, openminded community." Felorin was then bombarded with sarcastic yiff requests from socially maladjusted teenagers.

 

 

Bathroom conspiracy?

by Auora

Reports have been coming in claiming that BaHs do not have bathrooms, so I went to investigate. What I did find when I went to several BaHs in Allegria Island is that, yes, they DO have bathroom items — but most of the houses do not use them!

How could this be? A bathroom is a very important part of a household, and yet most furres are NOT placing one in their home. This seemed very... unnatural, so I asked the staff members of the various BaHs and some told me that the bathroom items were staff only! What?! So only staff are allowed to use a toliet? The rest of the furres have to use the item dump area to do their... business?

I tried to investigate further but I was ejected by the staff member for "prying" into their dream. Whatever. I went onto the next BaH and found that they, too, had bathroom items. But they charged a dragonscale for their use! WHAT?! I have to pay you money if I have to go number two? That's not fair!

Once again, I found myself in the Vinca for "disturbing the peace" for my protest of furre abuse. In the next BaH

they did have a toliet for use... but it was broken! Water sprayed from the tank and soaked anyone that got near it. My fur soaked I left there and went onwards... only to find that all the BaH owners had ordered I be ejected on sight!

a urinating toilet - not the 'bottom washer' kind though.

The faulty toilet that sprayed on our reporter. It was heard to say "See how YOU like it!"

I was forced to come to the conclusion that there is a conspiracy going on among all the BaHs to exploit the daily needs of furres. Tell them the houses are free, then make them pay extra for a toliet, and since everyone needs to use one they gain money. Personally, I'd rather use the item dump then have to pay for a toilet, and it seems that all the other furres feel the same since they don't use the bathroom items.

Auora is a roaming reporter on loan to The Muskrat from the Romania Herald-Gazette, where she draws political cartoons about obscure Romanian politicians. You've probably never heard of her so it's no use fact-checking.

 

Trend gathers strength

The fun, exciting activity of "standing on top of another furre" has taken off, rocketing into a cultural phenomenon like some sort of rocket-powered phenomenon.

As you may remember, The Muskrat reported on the fledgeling trend several months ago when it was just beginning. But today, the fad is popular everywhere, and everyone, including you, is doing it. Especially you.

The activity of "standing on top of another furre" has branched into several popular variants, including "sitting on top of another furre", "laying on top of another furre", "jumping up and down on another furre, much to their discomfort", and "dragging another furre into a locked room in an adult-oriented dream, where the furre is forced to listen to melodramatic poetry and long and tragic In Character background histories.

mommy, what is that dog doing to that other dog?

"Laying on top of another furre", a popular variant. Photograph by Jozua.

However popular and fun the activity is, many furres have reported internal and external injuries from being stood, sat, or layed upon. At first that may seem like a positive experience, but a few of these injured have complained, saying that they "do not enjoy being injured". These people are obviously not true Furcadians. Or at least not the kind of Furcadians I see in my favorite BDSM-themed dream, where I spend all of my time.