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VOL. 45

MONDAY, MARCH 26, 2007

Wormhole opens in Haven

Something finally happened in the deserted island of Haven (formerly New Haven, Connecticut) for the first time in years last Tuesday when a rip in space and time occurred there.

Guardians were on the scene within six hours after their supernatural phenomenomometer started making this, like, really loud noise. Pawy Pawpawpaw was the first one there. “It was crazy,” said the guy with the stupid name. “There was this big black hole out by the Watering Hole, and there were all these weird creatures coming out of it. Then they just sort of stood around and talked and ate picnic lunches. Some of them were playing badminton. It was really weird. I mean, badminton… who plays badminton?”

Asked to describe the creatures, Pawpawpaw said, “They looked kind of like Libby Dole but two feet taller and five inches shorter.” An artist’s depiction of the wormhole creatures: