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NARC

VOL. 41

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2007

Beekin Awards a success

A billion (yes, a billion) furres were glued to their television screens on Sunday, as the Beekin Awards, colloquially known as the "Furscars", were broadcast live from the entertainment capital of Furcadia: Round Rock, Texas.

This is totally unrelated to the Furcadia Awards, a completely different awards ceremony whose idea was definitely not blatantly cannibalized for this article.

A few of the winners were:

 

Emerald Flame – Best Actress in a Leading Role

Spyware – Best Actor in a Leading Role

Psychedelic Breakfast – Best Supporting Actress

Youlanda – Best Supporting Actor

 

Kiwis brutally attack moviegoers

by Simseth

On Monday, at the Furcadian Movie Theater after few finished watching "Attack of the Kiwis" and laughed at it (as if that would EVER HAPPEN), all of a sudden hundreds of kiwis that came from somewhere started brutally attacking furres such as Simseth and Nitrogen Rx. The other dude... he died later, but the others escaped safely, only to succumb to a brutal death after they didn't follow their masters' orders at "The Slave Chamber".

When Animal Control arrived to kill the kiwis, the kiwis innocently looked up at them with big eyes and their big adorable faces. After that the Animal Control people didn't want to kill them, and instead attempted to cuddle them. Sadly, Animal Control did not make it out alive. The Furcadian Movie Theater is now hiring top security personnel to keep the pests away.

The kiwis haven't been seen since, but we want to warn everyone to BE AWARE. It is believed they have a hideout in the Welcome Dream. It is also believed that Talzhemir is one of the leaders of these adorable–err, evil pests! Kiwis know MUCH MUCH more about us than you think! We all started out in the Welcome Dream. You might giggle or be frightened when they follow you but when they do follow you, they learn about you, and tell all their kiwi buddies. They noticed many were turning against them in early 2006, so Talzhemir, their leader, decided to let people become kiwis for a month during December 2006. Many turned to the kiwis' side, but it is all simply an evil plan. They have already brutally murdered a few, and are ready to brutally murder many, many, many more. Once again, BE AWARE.

 

Alts for sale

This week we have some really spectacular alts, fresh out of the dumpster. This time we're asking for gold bullion, or maybe bouillon. We will accept either.

 

Martin Scorsese

Helen Mirren

Forest Whitaker

Alan Arkin

Jennifer Hudson

Pilar Revuelta

I think the artist's use of empty space works well here.

The @$!?in' tree in happier times. Photo by Yiyikichi.

Wisdom Tree cut down

The Wisdom Tree, a fir (or firre) used as a gathering place for Furcadia's social Úlites, was cut down Thursday to the dismay of many and the indifference of most. Cute baby dragon Beekin is believed to have ordered the cutting down of the treasured tree, amid rumors of his close relationship with the timber industry.

"Arr," said Jag, "they took away our place o' meetin'. Arr, arr. I'm a pirate, apparently. Arrrrrrr." He then attacked our reporter with his hook, which makes us glad we don't offer health insurance to our employees.

We sent in another reporter to get a better quote. We will call this reporter "Edgar" but his real name we never got around to learning. Unfortunately, Edgar was also attacked, this time by a zombie. Ol' Edgar was luckily able to fend off the zombie. This is most likely due to the fact that the zombie, identified as the kitty formerly known as Lizfang, had only returned from the dead recently and was not yet skilled at the practice, nay, the art of zombiedom. Good ol' Edgar.

Since The Muskrat is really freakin'

popular and absolutely everyone wants to write for us, we're able to have plenty of reporters without paying them much. Therefore, it didn't inconvenience us to send yet another reporter around. Narag looked like a good person for this particular unnamed reporter to interview, but unfortunately he (Narag, not the reporter) ran screaming from him (the reporter, not Narag).

However, the reporter was finally able to talk to Damadar, some guy we've never heard of before. He had chained himself to the tree in protest, while the rest of the group just sort of sat back and said "meh" repeatedly. Damadar's act of defiance helped nothing, however; the furre hired to dispose of the tree didn't really care that Damadar was chained to the tree and just started cutting. Damadar was probably able to get away somehow due to... meh, it doesn't matter, it's only Damadar.

Now that the cult of the Wisdom Tree has no false idol to worship, it is assumed they will adulate instead Meovanni's World's Largest Blossom, a mutant botanical hellspawn of runaway genetic engineering and ancient Sumerian black magic.

 

Oh crap, it's that guy again....

 

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

Please help me. After I've started going steady for a few days I can't get excited. I've tried every kind of femfurre there is. The moment I see really somebody different I'm chasing them. I'm sick of hurting my ex's. I need your advice! How can I find the girl furre who can capture my heart forever?

Signed, RevolvingDormouse

 

Dear Revo,

So you've had a whole bunch of relationships but they've all failed? And the only thing they all had in common was you? Bad news: Even if you got with the wackiest shapeshifter ever, you'd still be stuck with your same old skanky self, and that's what really bores you. Face it, you're screwed. Stop dating. Go back to

reading porn "novels".

 

Dear Nake,

There is this one place where the tiles come together in an evil symbol. It is 62,114 Challenges. It offends me to the core. It stands for people who murdered thousands of innocents because a deranged tyrant ordered it. It is totally obvious. Nobody who looks at it will fail to see it. They should take it out.

Signed, Neo

 

Dear Neo,

It's just your imagination. And can that Neo-Nazi crap. You can't shock your Mommy and Daddy by being a Nazi. They're already overpaid little baby boomer fascists who worship Rush Limbaugh, vote for Bush, and act like they personally landed on the moon. You're not special. Take up being Japanese and gay to piss them off like everybody else.

 

UFO attacks Naia, according to insane reporter

by Anonymous

Naia Green. 2 AM. The furres are sleeping side by side, while the fluff pillows devour them. Suddenly, a bolt of blue light strikes the ground and a beam ray incinerates 3 pedestrians and injures 12 others! Also (not like anybody cares) 23 fluff pillows were killed. Why did this happen? That's why I'm here. I went "up" to find the source of this problem, with the help of the I.D.S. Moon Hound starship.

Anywho, they didnt have enough room for me and sent me hurtling into space in a pod. While in the pod, I spotted a large UFO above the planet. It shouted some unexplainable things and then countinued to fire its beams. But as suddenly as it appeared, it disappeared. We are asking all available furres to enlist in starships. Prepare for nuclear war!! bwuahaha!!

We don't usually publish delusional ramblings, but this article by "An Anonymous" is just insane enough to be true!