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VOL. 44

TUESDAY, MARCH 20, 2007

Furcadia forums encourage capitalism

Furcadia, champion of the poor and freeloading, became a monstrosity of greedy, filthy capitalism last Friday. Actually, it was almost a month ago, but we only sent a reporter to investigate last Friday.

Yes, the Furcadia forums have opened two new areas just for money-grubbing and... uh... evil. What motivated Dragon's Eye Productions to corrupt their innocent, trusting community? Was it sadistic cruelty? Was it their cold, unfeeling robot hearts?

Or were they merely copying Furcadia Alt Market? Narnia, one of the frightened, disturbed creatures that call that nightmarish ghetto home says yes. "They may have stolen our idea, but they will never steal our identity! Unless, I guess, the person we bought the identity from tells the Guardians that we scammed it off them, in which case I suppose the Guardians would take our identity too, because it's not possible to sell ownership of an identity at this time, or something," shouted Narnia in a rousing speech that worked the FAM-folk into a violent, unstoppable rage.

Luckily, Guardian consul Cironir managed to calm the bloodlusting FAMales with a sparkly ribbon, which they spent hours batting at mindlessly. They all went to bed then, because they are all apparently 36 years old (according to their 'Joined' date), and had work in the morning.

 

Gasping occurs

Gasps were heard last week as The Muskrat released its latest edition. "Where the hell is An Anonymus?!?!" cried out one pedestrian, before pulling out a long dagger and stabbing himself to death. That's right; the 3-newspaper streak of An Anonymus was over.

An Anonymous himself/herself/itself told us: "I have decided to retire. But first, one more article!" He (or... yeah, you get the point) sent us a heavily researched article detailing the tragic airplane explosion that happened, like, I dunno, a little while ago or something. It was a really great article. Unfortunately, uh... well, you see... Damadar ate it! Yeah! It was him, honest!

Anyw00t, since we don't get to see An Anonymous's last article, here is a drawing of a pony:

 

Our graphics department is even better than R.A.T.!
 

Furre goes into Theriopolis

Someone visited Theriopolis between 9:52 am on Monday and 9:53 am on Monday. This historic event was largely unnoticed by most furres, who were all busy making exercises in futility in Naia Green or exercises in fertility in Furrabian Nights.

Loomin Rauko witnessed the furre stumble into the Theriopolis dream portal. "I had never seen such a thing in my life. The person actually went into the dream. This- this event has changed my life. I just don't know what to think anymore."

Loomin Rauko is now in counseling.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that The Vinca is named after Talzhemir's pet goat?

 

Alts for sale

We are selling the following alts for personal salvation.

 

Yak Vomit

$@!?y Mc$@!?$@!?

Peter Gryffe

They came in droves. And there was nothing that stood in their path that survived to tell the tale. Except maybe those people in the screenshot there.

Kiyichichi and Rude Urnar waded into the swarm of rats, chopping away.

Rat population swarms Challenges

Thousands of filthy, rabies-carrying rats were discovered in Challenges on Saturday. Challenges citizens (both of them) were nearly overwhelmed by their sheer numbers, and they did all they could to chainsaw the vermin down to a manageable population.

Local resident Walt "Pansy" Swiver told us how it all began while he cleaned the gore from his weed-whacker. "Them varmints came from the hills, they done did. I always reckoned there be mighty queer happenin's goin' on in them hills. There's a McDonald's over there."

Yes, a McDonald's. The kitchens at McDonald's have long been known to be

a breeding home for rats, due to unsanitary conditions and the cook's love of raising rats as pets. Nash, owner of the McDonald's On Furcadia franchise, strongly denied the allegations. "The swarm of white rats are definitely not from our clean, well-loved restaurant. Our rats are brown."

Wherever the plague of rats came from, they soon laid waste to much of Challenges, including Artist's Alley. As the swarm streamed into Artist's Alley, the screams of the artists inside were heard for miles. Wait, nevermind. Artist's Alley was empty, as usual.

And then the Guardians came in and took care of all the rats, or something. The end!

 

 
hee hee, 'butt'.

Hee hee, "butt project".

Butt princess attacks!

by Edward Elric

ALLEGRIA ISLAND — An epidemic outbreak of crime appears to have swept the once peaceful and BaH-ridden island, flooding the sub-hall with pure, concentrated evil. Among these evils are intriguing murders with some mystery, TRUE CRIME, and even the more nerdy Organized Crime. This is just the tip of the iceberg, however, and it should be the least of your worries, for there is a much greater scandal at hand. What could possibly be worse than clean, tidy, neatly-sorted crime? It has the word 'butt' in it, so, I have your attention, right? Yeah, I thought so.

This scandal – or whatever I called it, I'm too lazy to go back and read through all those stupid words – is none other than the horrific 'Butt Princess.' Princesses are normally regarded as the epitome of beauty and grace, but this monstrosity will turn all of your childish definitions to poo. Lots and lots of poo. Ew, you smell! Go stand way over there! Anyway, the description of this Butt Princess cannot be disclosed, for it is not PG-13 material, and involves explicit horrors such as yiffing over an erupting

volcano and pink sticky notes. It's also been uncovered that this 'princess' may be the focus of two lard-engrossed superheroes, Fattyman and Blob Boy.

These two, fully clad in sweaty spandex, have been sighted rolling, eating, or propelling themselves with their own flatulence around Allegria Island. That is, for all you slow readers, using turbo fart to fly around (IT'S OKAY, DAMADAR! DON'T BE ASHAMED, NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW). Usually, they're active at night, because that makes it really, really mysterious and awesome, and, uh, stuff like that. Wherever there is crime, which usually turns out to be nothing, I have witnessed the pair perform deadly attacks such as 'Flubthrower,' 'Dorito Dougnut Sprinkly Cheesecake Fudgy Formation Alpha Attack,' and of course, 'Super Spandex Spank.' Thankfully, I was only afflicted by one of these devastating attacks, and I'll be out of physical therapy in just six months! I get some kind of compensation for this, right? For being 'wounded on the front lines?' No?! BUT YOU PROMIS—

Edward Elric is a fancy boy.

 

 

 

THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK FOR UNEXPLAINED REASONS