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VOL. 42

MONDAY, MARCH 5, 2007

Youlanda implicated in dolphin disappearances

Until recently, dolphins were a very common sight in Furcadia. You could see them swimming about in even the shallowest Haven ponds. Therefore, everyone was baffled, except the unbafflable, when one day we all woke up (at the same time) to discover that all the dolphins had just plain vanished!

Suspicions ranged wildly, and everyone from the lowest newfurre to Felorin himself was considered a possible suspect by the investigating Guardians. They even suspected themselves! This shows how dedicated they are. Howe'er, they eventually narrowed it down to one suspect. Who did they come up with? Well, read the headline.

The evidence against her is staggering. There have been several eyewitness reports that describe Youlanda as "frolicking like a child with dozens of dolphins, which played a spirited game of volleyball with her in the waters surrounding Allegria Island." One witness, Cruncher, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity, noted that "she looked happier than I've ever seen her, which is to say, she looked actually happy." Clearly the description of someone who'd steal every dolphin.

For Youlanda's part, when we asked if the allegations were true, she replied, "No!" This shows that not only is she a dolphin thief, she's also a liar. As for her punishment: the Guardians have unanimously decreed that she is to be banned from Furcadia until she gives all the dolphins back.

 

Damadar lays claim that Furcadia is pregnant

Heads were turned on Friday when Damadar shouted from the rooftops that Furcadia is pregnant, and that he is the father. Damadar, as everyone knows, is a pitifully lonely man who will say anything for attention.

 

The Muskrat revealed to be the newspaper of the devil

In an announcement that shocked everyone except Satan, a drug-addled teenager informed the world that The Muskrat is the newspaper of the devil. Unfortunately, all evidence of this announcement has been brutally crushed from existence, so you'll have to just imagine it.

El Borracho, who has something to do with The Muskrat, I guess, was all like "Whoa! We've been a tool of Old Scratch all this time? That's totally wicked!" He was drunk, though I suppose that goes without saying.

The Other Guy, who occasionally goes by "Ydalv" to mess with people's heads, was not reachable for comment, which is weird, because he wrote this article.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that Haven will be renamed Old Haven in the next update?

 

Alts for sale

We are selling the following alts for a new guitar.

 

Light Red Floyd

Fiona Apple Juice

Dogsled You! Inuit Emperor

Dodecahedron Man

It gon' kill us all!

The dangerous kitterwing.

Furcadia threatened by kitterwing plague

by Bingo Roaming

With the update drawing near with the rapidity of a mighty glacier, many furres are becoming increasingly worried about the possibility of a kitterwing infestation. Kitterwings, a small, insect-like species that travel in swarms of up to 500,000 individuals, have remained largely unknown in most regions of Furcadia.

"They usually favor densely forested areas," Professor McFancyPants, an expert, said. (We don't know what he's an expert on, exactly, but his name spoke volumes.) "However, forests are being consumed at an astounding rate to accommodate all the Furcadian expansion. The creation of Olde Town alone will require several million trees and the sacrifice of at least a thousand innocent babies."

With much of their habitat being destroyed, scientists predict that the kitterwings will be driven into more populated areas of Furcadia, causing widespread famine and death. Fortunately, steps are being taken to prepare for the impending invasion. Felorin has legalized the use of DDT despite fervent protest from the gryffes, and has also suggested that RPGs be issued to everyfurre because "rifles are just too hard to aim."

DEP also advises furres to purchase a gasmask to protect themselves against the hazardous glitter clouds that kitterwings can excrete when threatened. If inhaled, these sparkles can cause respiratory distress, confusion, and an unnatural attraction to quiche. To prepare their homes against infestation, citizens should buy lots of duct tape and place a bug zapper in their backyard.

Ah, the electric crackle of victory!

 

Chaos Nake has more sage advice for normal, everyday imaginary people, sort of like you if you were imaginary.

 

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

I was sitting in a tavern minding my own business when somebody I never met before cut off my head. Am I alive or dead?

Signed, Unsure Ernie

 

Dear Unnie,

Go to Le Quartier de Théâtre Victorian Paris. If you're not puking within two minutes, you're dead. Either way, don't worry. I hear it's a good place for the dead or puking to get laid as long as they're dressed like a Les Mis reject.

Dear Nake,

A black van with a radar dish on top keeps parking outside my apartment. I'm sure it's watching me, taking notes on whoever visits me. I think they even go through my trash. What should I do?!

Signed, Paranoid Panther

 

Dear Pants,

Immediately bring 200 unmarked dragonscales to furc://themuskratnewspaper. Wait between the dumpsters behind the liquor store for further instructions. They also video-taped you with your underage neighbor chick. Believe me, you don't want to end up on one of those amateur porn sites with that gut. You really need to cut out those Doritos-and-beer binges.

 
EEK, NEWS!

Fortunately, The Muskrat is printed on flame-proof paper.

Loaf burnt

by An Anonymous

A week or two ago, I confirmed that Kittyloaf was the smuggler of illegal aliens! That's right! Later I came back to check out the store and click buttons in the Muskrat dream. What I found was horrifying (and partly amusing)! Kittyloaf was being burned at the stake by a clan

of rabid muskrats. One of them had a flamethrower. I had to retreat, and it turned out Kittyloaf was now... KittyToast! I have no idea how she could survive 100,000th degree burns, but she is not human; she's a loaf of bread.

An Anonymous is certainly someone that exists.