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VOL. 47

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2007… JUST KIDDING! (SUNDAY, APRIL 15)

Haven no longer appropriate for small children

Havenites were shocked, dismayed, and strangely aroused on Friday the 6th when their beloved home was completely destroyed, forever. In its place is an entirely new map (that’s almost exactly like Haven). Its name? Hawthorn.

Hawthorn is named after Nathaniel Hawthorne, a 19th century American author who wrote about scarlet letters or gables or something. Boring colonial-era romance stuff. It is assumed that the name is a sarcastic joke.

Hawthorn is also a mature map, where violence and “crude language” are officially encouraged. This has disappointed many of Haven’s “gentler” denizens, who, being gentle, quietly relocated to Naia without much of a fuss.

The remaining sadistic, murderous criminals are described by Hawthorn’s entrytext as “Furcadia’s rough crowd.” Rough, indeed.

“We’ve always been down on that Haven group,” purred Felorin, as he lovingly stroked the pelt of a kiwi he had recently killed. “I had actually planned on renaming it ‘Heathen HellHole of Horror’, but that was too long.”

We asked the opinion of fake Hawthorn resident Patsy W. Rivenslaw. “I am glad Furcadia finally characterized us as how we are in actuality. We are both rough and tough. I advise that you not mess with us, sir. We are from Hawthorn, the most uncouth area of Furcadia. Observe while I speak an expletive.” Our reporter then covered his ears and said “La la la” for a while.

However, the name and theme are not the only things that changed. The dream is now lushly forested, much in the same style as Naia Green, the most family-friendly of the main maps. This has confused many. Or maybe just me. Anyway, it now looks like a nice place to have a picnic, so I think that’s what I’ll do. I just hope I don’t hear any swearing.