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VOL. 46

THURSDAY, APRIL 5, 2007

The Muskrat finally released

After many long days of waiting, the promised 46th issue of The Muskrat has finally been released. El Borracho, who like works on the paper or something, had frequently told the masses that the issue would be coming "soon"; but after it had been delayed for a while, many Furcadians began to wonder what exactly his definition of "soon" meant. "Man, what could be taking them so long?" wondered one furre whose name I don't feel like thinking up. "Is El Borracho drunk again?" The answer: Of course. Obviously this particular furre hasn't been paying attention.

Just recently, however, it was announced that the issue was near completion. Furres who had donated booze to El Borracho were allowed a sneak peak at what the issue would contain, and a list of articles was posted, to the delight of many. "Man, this is so exciting!" said Aaaa Aaaaaa after reading the list. "I can't wait for the new issue!"

However, some were not so pleased. "This is just the same old newspaper with a few new, pointless additions," said Bbbb Bbbbbbb, whose name is still easier to pronounce than "Xxysthstris". "When will they add something cool, like full-color weather maps?" Bbbbbbb was then informed that Furcadia does not have weather.

 

Kiwis attack yet again

by Zelle

A local nameless musteline was found unconscious in Allegria Island yesterday morning, believed by experts to have been attacked in the small hours of Sunday morning. Small marks that looked like the footprints of a kiwi were found on his body. He had also been pecked beyond recognition.

He made a quick recovery from his injuries and was released from the hospital on Monday evening. Then he took to the streets of Naia Green, believing himself to be The Messiah, son of almighty overlord Felorin, screaming "I'm the Messiah!" - A large crowd of furres gathered, but on closer inspection, they concluded he wasn't the Messiah but in fact just a "very naughty furre".

He is now "taking a break" at St Cuthbert's Beneficial Institution for the Mentally Unstable.

Unable to identify the gender of the victim, Furcadian authorities believe this to be the handiwork of prejudiced anti-transvestite kiwis. Furcadia's transvestites are encouraged to travel in groups and to avoid dark backstreets on any of the main maps. You never know when Kiwis may strike again.

Zelle did not write this article about himself. Because we say so.

 

Missing: one heart

by Masterdeeds

Guardians today began informing citizens of Furcadia to be on the search for Damadar's Heart. The past few weeks Damadar has been quiet and not heard from. This is because his heart was apparently stolen when he got Furcadia pregnant.

We questioned Felorin, the almighty lord of Furcadia, but he told us he didn't have a need for Damadar's heart since he has his wallet. When Damadar was told this, he immediately checked for his wallet and found it was missing.

So while there is no reward, as Felorin refuses to return Damadar's wallet, the Guardians are hoping that someone will come forward with Damadar's heart of their own free will before they start searching all the BaH's one by one.

Masterdeeds is freshly perforated.

 

Were you aware?

Were you aware that Kitterwings cure cancer, AIDS, and telethons?

 

Alts for sale

We are selling the following alts for canaries. Especially the kind in mineshafts.

 

Faulty Pluralism

The Death of Rats

Salmonella Cat

The Only Horse Anymore

Themus K. Rat

Vegemite the Kangaroo

Nutella the Wolf

Vaseline the Flaming Lip

April Fooled you!

Chaos broke out (in zits) on Sunday when Furcadia celebrated its annual April Confusionfest. Dream owners and Cluracan profited, while everyone else screamed curses at the non-existent Furcadian sky.

It began at midnight with the standard ocular-narfing filter, along with screen-inverting experiments in antigravity and sdrawkcab speech. This caused many furres to accidentally fall into dreams, thereby increasing the visitor count of most dreams by a factor of 10 or more. Dream owners were jubilant.

 

Seeing the issue from a different perspective is good, right?

Furcadia converted to Cyrillic.
Photo by Jozua.

Then, at 5am FST, the server restarted. When people returned, they found their colors would change to those of anyone they bumped into, clicked on, sat near to, or shared a toothbrush with. This threw many furres into violent, unstoppable rages. They couldn't even get their old colors back without restarting Furcadia! Unless, of course, they had Furnarchy.

Cluracan, the reclusive evil overlord of Furnarchy, reported millions of downloads of Furnarchy that day. With the profits he now gets by secretly sending Furnarchy users' DragonScales to his alt Cinder Bear, he has been able to retire comfortably in the Azores. "Pass me that mohito, boy," Cluracan said to our interviewer at his private beach house. He then snapped his fingers until our interviewer obeyed meekly. The interviewer is now one of Cluracan's many obediant servants.

The insanity ended at midnight and everyone went on with their lives. Except our interviewer. He is doomed.

 

 

Guardianman discovered working for Mexican newspaper

Yes, a Mexican newspaper has stolen Guardianman.

Guardianman, Destroyer of Boredom was once a popular comic here at The Muskrat. That was until, one day, we smacked him on the head with a blunt object (frozen pineapple) and locked him in the basement. We then forgot about him.

But then, one week ago, alert reporter Kiyichichi discovered this man wandering through Furcadia:

 

 

It was unmistakably Guardianman, disguised as an Acapulcan hotel

manager. When he saw Kiyichichi, he bolted, and has presumably gone into hiding.

But how did Guardianman escape from our impenetrable cell in The Golden Tether and end up in a Mexican tourist trap?

We decided it was our duty to investigate. Uh, so we did.

The investigation led us to a shocking surprise: Guardianman now works for a Mexican newspaper under the assumed name of "Guardahombre". Actually, that may not be that surprising. Damn headlines, always spoiling the story for everyone.

Anyway, we were able to obtain (steal) a photograph of Guardianman in his new, traitorous job. Gaze upon it in disgust, my minions!

wouldn't you like a translation? WELL TOO BAD HA HA HA

An example of the copyright-infringing comics. (no translation available)

Reporter reports on own insanity

by Avatan

THE MUSKRAT (unofficial) HEADQUARTERS — In the almost deserted halls of the Muskrat Newspaper, a single employee was avidly working on finishing her/his/its work before the deadline when an escaped psycho came in. Staring at the employee, she/he/it never noticed being stared at. Since nobody was available for comments, the psycho decided to hit the streets himself to see what people thought of him staring at Muskrat employees.

 

Being creepy is fun!

This footage was hijacked from the security camera. Click to see the full photograph.

One Furrabian inhabitant was heard to remark "..." before he carried his huge AHEM and equally huge WHAT (as witnessed by the reporting psycho) into the furry porn studio of Bunny Boulevard. Moments later, he stood motionless next to the Enchanted Manor.

Another, one doctor Nusaken, likely of the Yiffy Hospital, said: "Kittyloafs are cute, but I don't know what to think about it" and stormed off. A whisper was later delivered saying "Are you by chance bored?", after which the reporting psycho answered "This is legitimate research!" "Then you're bored, merely crazy. Fair enough, let me just sedate you and call the people from the happy farm.." was the final reply.

The result of that promise was the psycho running into Allegria Island, where the psycho got lost and was subsequently never seen again.

Avatan is also known as Jimmy The Two-Headed Elephant Robot in Furrabian Nights, where he sells leashes and whips to tourists.