30 sheqels


VOL. 43

MONDAY, MARCH 12, 2007

Furcadia prepares for drunken bacchanalia

Yes, Saint Patrick’s Day is drawing near. The holiday where everyone punishes their livers in celebration of some ancient missionary will be this coming Saturday.

All across Furcadia, the preparations have begun. Irish whiskey distilleries and fermented kiwi (not the fruit) breweries have been working to full capacity, green paint is sold out in all the Furcadian hardware stores, and furres everywhere are practicing consuming large quantities of alcohol to build up their tolerances so that they will not die on Saturday. Even Dragon’s Eye Productions has gotten in on the action, selling shamrock desctags for those who wish to proclaim “I am willing to imbibe Irish stout and engage in raucous behaviour, regardless of my relation to Irish people, which may be nonexistent.”

El Borracho was found spinning around in circles, chanting “Dublin borracho!” and failing at kissing random passersby. He commented, “This is, for obvious reasons, my favorite holiday. But aside from the drinking, I am celebrating my heritage. Like Stephen Colbert, I am 1/13th Irish.” He then shouted “You’re after me lucky charms!” and attacked our reporter.

Emerald Flame, the spokesperson for all Irish people worldwide, had a great deal to say. “Do you mind? I just found out my long-lost twin brother is Conan O’Brien. This is a very emotional time for me.”

The janitor seemed to be excited about the coming holiday. “I’ll have so much vomit to clean up! It’s a janitor’s dream come true!” He then gleefully skipped away, trailing a cloud of magical sparkles and Windex.