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VOL. 9
SUNDAY, JUNE 25, 2006
Lawsuit against Furcadia
Recently, there have been unconfirmed reports that Dragon's Eye Productions (DEP) is being sued. We would like to scoff derisively at such talk, and say that it is totally false and whoever started this speculation is a moron. But we won't, because it's completely true.
Yes, DEP is being sued. Members of DEP have been frantically trying to laugh it off as just a "rumor," but our reporters have found that it is indeed true.
The lawsuit has been brought upon DEP by a group of lawyers representing the human race. Their case is that Furcadia discriminates against humans, and thereby violates equal rights protections under Texas and Federal law.
Furcadia is expected to be bankrupt from legal fees alone in 6-8 weeks. No digos will be refunded, and Emerald Flame, Gar, and Leah will flee to Barbados. Talzhemir is expected to join them after a brief stay in Aruba. Sanctimonious will go into hiding with Cironir in rural Estonia, and Felorin will be abandoned in Texas, where he will be forced to try to pay off the entire debt by selling little handmade origami cranes to tourists. He will continue to do this until he dies at the age of 83, arthritic and alone.
Let us have a moment of silence for Felorin's inevitable death in four years.
Build-a-Home epidemic
The persistent Build-a-Home (or BaH) disease continues to flourish in Allegria Island, despite several past predictions that it was nearing extinction. Experts are flummoxed, yes flummoxed by the deadly virus's resistance to treatment.
BaH is a devastating virus which gradually crowds out beneficial Allegria Island organisms, such as the desolate splendor of Kingdom of Ithika, the murderous bloodlust that is Murder, Mystery, Intrigue, the always inaccessible Lost Lake, or even the purpler madness of small dreams like Caelan. The many efforts to eradicate the virus have all failed.
"It doesn't behave like normal viruses," pathologist Stevan W. I. Slap explained. "Unlike the orphanage virus, or the hospital virus, it just won't die! Why won't it die?!" Slap then knelt on the floor and wept openly.
Poetry corner
Nobody has sent us hate mail yet for our poetry, so we would like to continue this week with a lovely haiku.
FurN, Thy Sexy Herms
FurN, thy sexy herms
O great Yiff, thou call'st to me
I hunger... hunger.
Alts for sale
The following alts are for sale. Buy them or your life will be incomplete and you'll wander around aimlessly for years to come.
Listless Ned
Mmm Salmonella
gruiolkjgfjelkvawfge
Sir Benedict Eggs
Vermicious Knid
Señor Nalgas Frías
A Guardian stares in horror and morbid curiosity at the aftermath of the tragic massacre. Photograph taken by Kiyi, protégé óf Annie Leibovitz.
Tragic massacre in Naia Green
Furcadians everywhere were shocked to their very core—their very core—after the horrifying slaughter of several furres outside the help center in Naia Green. By the time the Guardians arrived on the scene, vulture phoenixes had already arrived and had to be shooed away. Fortunately, little damage was done to the corpses, and they will soon be put on display for the most kickass funeral Furcadia has ever seen.
Though little is yet known about the reason for the massacre, many rumors have been floating around like logs. Yes, logs. One rumor states that the fabulous Cinder Bear, so respected for her calm and friendly nature, finally snapped after swallowing years of negativity from ungrateful furres. Bastards.
According to another rumor, all of the deceased were members of a secret group intending on taking over leadership from Felorin, who had them killed to prevent this. Theorists point out that the help center, which is usually very full, was empty that day. Other theorists
point out to those theorists that depending on when you're at the help center, there are often no furres there. The original theorists then mention that the second group of theorists couldn't know if no one was there without actually being there, so that's just impossible.
Authorities are looking for any eyewitnesses who may have survived; so far, only earwitnesses have been found. One of these, Antler Wavywisps, said, "Well, first I heard someone yelling obscenities... it was like they had the shift key down and were just hammering the top row of the keyboard. Then there was lots of loud gunshots and screaming, and then... silence. It was terrifying; I don't know how I'll get over this. Oh well, at least I wasn't one of the dead guys."
Among the dead were Listless Ned, Mmm Salmonella, gruiolkjgfjelkvawfge, Sir Benedict Eggs, Vermicious Knid, and Señor Nalgas Frías. We will continue to release names as they are revealed, unless we get distracted. Maybe Emerald Flame will break up with Felorin or something. That would be awesome! We'd sell so many papers!!
