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VOL. 16

MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 2006

WFUR explodes violently

FURRABIAN NIGHTS — WFUR Furcadia Radio, the popular internet radio station, was leveled on Thursday by a pookiebomb planted inside WFUR headquarters, Guardians say.

The explosion injured several and claimed the life of owner Deja Greycloud. Witnesses say she was "propelled through the air by the blast, almost like she was flying, hit the ground, and turned into hundreds of bats, which flew away."

DANGER EXPLOSION

The explosion.

The pookiebomb is believed to have destroyed the building by radiating powerful waves of love through an amplifier. It is widely known that love was poisonous to Furcadia Radio DJs, who thrived on anger, ranting, and angsty music. The few survivors of the love explosion have been transformed. Chipper Longtail, one of the survivors, was quoted as saying, "I love everything and everyone! Hugs for all!"

Rumors that WFUR is back up, or that Deja Greycloud is still very much alive, are nothing more than rumors. If we say it, it must be true. You will believe whatever we tell you.

 

Letters to the editor

Subject: Fat-rat

Uh o.o .... is that rat on your newspaper overweight? Or why is it so fat?
<-< .... (at least it says it's happy, uh)

—Shinichi Kudo

 

Dear Mr. Kudos™,

The muskrat is fat because she eats a lot of barbecued aliens. She's addicted, I think. Soon she will deplete the alien population and it will become harder and harder to support her habit. She's happy now, but she won't be when she runs out of barbecued aliens. Oh well!

 

Alts for sale

The following alts are for sale. As payment, we will accept those little things at the ends of shoelaces. What are those called??

 

Spanky McSpankySpank

Boring Old Joe

GaypornLuvr96

Old People Die

New York

New Hampshire

New Zealand

New Jersey

New Brunswick

New South Wales

New Mexico

New Amsterdam

New England

Newfoundland

Papua New Guinea

Nova Scotia

Crazy Monkey Lady

 

Guardian publicly punished

MEOVANNI — Furres from all over Furcadia gathered in Meovanni Village to witness the first public humiliation of a Guardian, Awlnavy Stewsrip. Pillory stocks were utilized for the punishment, because everybody thought it would be hilarious. They were correct.

"LOL I THREW CABBAGE AT HIM LMAO" stated street urchin Winter Slavypaws as he rushed off for more slightly decomposed fruits and vegetables. "It is empowering to contemptuously ridicule a perceived authority figure," noted Spooky B. as he made obscene gestures at the imprisoned Guardian. The streets of Meovanni were crowded with hundreds of fun-loving furres, all vying for their turn to laugh at him.

Stewsrip expressed displeasure at his position: "Not to be a whiner, but this probably isn't my best day." He was then splattered in the face with a rotten tomato. Wild laughter erupted.

The pillorying began with a small ceremony in which Cironir, the Guardian Emperor, stood in front of the newly constructed pillory and read a small statement. "Hear ye, hear ye," he said, "et cetera et cetera, und so weiter... anyway, we're here to publicly humiliate Awlnavy Stewsrip, who was caught red-handed abusing his powers by giving favorable treatment to one of his friends." Boos were heard from the crowd, as were boobs. What? That doesn't make sense.

After this, Stewsrip was brought forth in shackles and then, um, shackled to the pillory, where he frowned. Cironir

WAIT A MINUTE THOSE EARS AREN'T REAL

The Guardian was not very happy.
Click for full size.

exclaimed, "Take that, arschloch! HA HA HA!" and then vanished in a puff of green sweet-smelling steam.

This event greatly improved the morale of Furcadians everywhere, who were glad to see evidence that Guardians can't just do whatever they want, as has long been believed by furres who think they know everything, the jerks.

According to Cironir, Stewsrip will be reinstated as a Guardian the instant he's removed from the pillory, which should be in a week or two. "I'm confident that he will carry on his job perfectly after this experience, and people will take him seriously as a protector of the LAW after the weeks of public ridicule. If not, I WILL EAT HIM. Wait, don't write that down." He then began drooling in anticipation.

Furcadia's stocks rose several points when news of this reached Wall Street.

 
Every newfurre goes through a natural stage of breakdancing two or three times a day. Don't be ashamed.