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VOL. 6

SUNDAY, JUNE FOUR, 2006

Furcadians prepare to hate new update

With the new Furcadia update allegedly coming soon, furres everywhere are getting ready to hate whatever changes it will bring. "I remember back when they introduced the rabbits," said purple squirrel Warsaw Vinypelts. "God, I hated those damn things. Then there was the gryffe update, and the first time I saw a gryffe I almost vomited. After that came the squirrels... I... I don't like to think about the squirrels." Vinypelts shuddered, causing his bat wings to ripple.

Furres who were given a sneak preview of the new bovine avatar have gladly begun to unleash a venomous spew of hatred towards its creators. "Man, whoever came up with that is messed in the head," said Walter Wavysnips. "I'm going to find them and beat them up and laugh at them. Afterwards, I'll relax on the veranda and enjoy some superb 1995 Pinot Noir from my wine cellar."

An online petition has already been started to have the changes cancelled. Some, however, are going further and have repeatedly asked Felorin to revert Furcadia back to its very first stage. When reached for comment, Felorin predictably said, "I'm just this cat, you know." This seriously annoyed me so I stole his hat and ran away.

As I ran through Allegria Island, suddenly Cironir appeared in front of me. He tripped me and I fell over clutching the hat and he was like, "Gimme the hat!" and I was like, "No!" and he was like, "GIVE IT!" and I was like, "No way!" Then he started tickling me until I could no longer hold onto it and he grabbed it and walked away. Jerk.

Anyway, the new update is gonna totally suck.

 

It's gonna SUCK!

Everything will suck.

 

Irony lost

Today on Furcadia, irony was lost. It, like, can't be found anywhere. Where is it? I don't know. Is it here? Is it there? Is it anywhere? Do you like it in a boat? Do you like it with a goat? Please be honest.

Why is it raining? It's not my wedding day! Furcadia updates are on time! DEP is made up of normal people! The Mason logo is just a coincidence!

 

Alts for sale

The following alts are for sale. Two for the price of three, this week only!

 

John the Greengrocer

Skankbag

Tawny Silverpaws

Playerhater

Aa

Aardvark

Aardwolf

Abaca

Aback

Abacus

Abaft

Abalone

...*

Zymolysis

Zymosis

Zymurgy

 

* list truncated

Furcadia Radio mobilizes for war

Furcadia Radio mobilizes for war.

Radio war escalates

FURRABIAN NIGHTS — After a short ceasefire, the war between Furcadia Radio and Nite Radio has begun anew with double the ferocity, double the fun.

On Tuesday, corporal/seamstress Xxysthstris (in the running for least pronounceable name) of the Nite Army led a strike force of seven Nite Radio listeners (the entire army) against Furcadia Radio's base camp in Furrabian Nights. As they descended, weapons glinting, upon the surprised and unprepared Furcadia Radio army, I watched. O the marvelous death and carnage, the blood coursing from fresh, gaping wounds, the delicious screams of pain and terror, like sweet melodies! The scene of war before my eyes was indescribably exciting! I was filled with such euphoria and... uh....

Anyways, the Nite Army was completely outnumbered by the greater listenership of Furcadia Radio. Despite the heavy losses they caused in the initial confusion, the Nite Army were soon forced to retreat.

On Wednesday, Xxysthstris spoke of the previous day's failure in his soft, somewhat unnerving voice. "Well, we did make a blue, but she'll be apples this arvo. We'll be puttin' all those tall poppies on the barbie!" Xxysthstris continued, "Yesterday I saw a wallaby wearing me togs, mate; wallabies and crocs down under and all."

Meanwhile, the Furcadia Radio army was gathering munitions and mobilizing for war. Aside from the standard weapons borrowed from affiliate dreams (whips, chains, cat o' nine tails, wooden paddles, gimp suits), Furcadia Radio was able to amass a large number of bladed weapons, guided missiles, and tanks (pictured above).

A really big battle

As the sun began to set Wednesday evening, NiteMyste made his way stealthily to the Furcadia Radio headquarters, followed by the four surviving members of the Nite army. They were maybe two yards (3498.32222 metres) from attacking distance, when suddenly NiteMyste shouted "I AM THE NITE MAN!!" completely blowing their cover.

The fighting erupted once again. NiteMyste jabbed frantically left and right with his switchblade, chanting "Do you love me?" over and over. Deja Greycloud screamed shrilly and swung her huge cudgel wildly, smashing her own army mostly. Hickabikaboo was one of the first of the Nite Army to fall, the crown of her cranium detonating carmine ribbons.

Nite Army lieutenant Ayeka was seen locked in fierce combat with Furcadia Radio commando DJ Outlaw. Armed with flaming haggis, DJ Outlaw viciously stabbed at Ayeka, who parried with her trusty 5-year-old spork. Ayeka and DJ Outlaw both soon realized that their fighting skill could be enhanced with alcohol, so in between thrusts and parries they swigged beer, tequila, and anything else they could find. "Aye, I bet nobody has ever chugged a can of beer on the air, me laddies," DJ Outlaw screamed, as Ayeka shrieked, "I'm the first DJ ever!" Eventually they staggered off into the bushes to vomit and pass out.

After about 10 minutes, the Nite army had surrendered. However, the battle continued on for several more hours, because Deja kept swinging her cudgel at anyone who got too close. Eventually she hit Cironir, inciting his boundless Guardian wrath. She will be missed.

Lessons learned

From this war between the radio stations, we have learned that war is hell, guided missiles look like enlarged bullets, and that conflict is not the answer to becoming the most popular radio station in Furcadia. To become the most popular, DJs must remember:

 

1. Technical difficulties are fun to listen to!

2. When in doubt, swear!

3. When really in doubt, get drunk!

4. Make sure you wait until after the last song has finished playing, then look for your next song!

5. Only play music you already hear on broadcast radio! Who wants to hear new music?!

 

If only Nite Radio and Furcadia Radio would follow these five simple rules, they wouldn't have to resort to all-out war. And we don't want war, do we?

...oh, we do?

 

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