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VOL. 3
SUNDAE, MAY 14rd, 2006
Next Furcadia update to solve all problems ever
Emerald Flame announced today, or maybe it was yesterday, possibly the day before.... Ever since the factory closed down I've been so drunk and hopped up on coke so I don't really know what's going on.
Anyway, Emerald Flame announced that the new Furcadia update will be so wonderful that every imaginable problem the world could face will be merely a memory, like a really freaky nightmare where you're in school naked and suddenly the principal eats your liver with screaming croutons. Man, that was screwed up.
"We're really excited about the update," said Emerald Flame. "Not only will it improve Furcadia beyond your wildest dreams, but the update will also improve life even beyond Furcadia. It includes cures for such popular diseases as HIV, cancer, tuberculosis, hepatitis A through F, syphilis, acne..." At this point, I decided to take a nap.
When I awoke, she was still saying stuff, so I decided to write it down since I'm a reporter or something. "...will also solve all hunger. Peace and democracy will flourish across the globe. There will be no more Adam Sandler movies. There will be a pot in every chicken."
Everything will be perfect.
She continued, "It will help you quit smoking. It can make you lose up to 100 pounds, or gain weight if you're freakishly thin. You will suddenly become attractive to people you meet in person. Life will be magnificent!" On saying this she lifted her hands in the air and sparkling doves flew out of nowhere to land on them. Normally this wouldn't be worth mentioning but other people tell me it really happened.
When asked when the update would be released, Emerald Flame responded, "We should have it ready by early spring of 2018."
More stuff happened but my deadline's, like, five minutes ago, so I don't have time to write it all down.
(Editor's note: This is what happens when you people don't buy our newspapers: we have to hire people like this guy. You brought this on yourselves!!)
Alts for sale
The following alts are for sale. Food stamps only please.
Aaaarrrghhh
Impotent
Rutherford B. Hayes
Extra Chromosome
BAN ME
Felorin's Right Buttock
I #SO Rush Limbaugh
Satan has been frequently seen on furcadia.com lately, fighting with God for control of Furcadia.
God smites Furcadia server
ROUND ROCK, TEXAS — Furcadians may have noticed the server downtime on Friday as they frantically tried again and again to log on to Furcadia, resorting at times to massive drug abuse in a futile attempt to alleviate the feelings of loneliness and desperation.
The downtime is now known to be an act of righteous wrath from God, after He saw Furrabian Nights (FurN).
"Herm Hangout? The Vore Club? Inflation Fetish Shope?! WTF! That's not even spelled right!!" shouted God. "Guys, this @$!? is WEIRD. I'm seriously freaked out right now."
God said He was solicited for sex several times by men, women, and others. "WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS, MEDAMMIT?!" screamed God at our reporter.
After God's experiences in FurN, He decided to smite Furcadia. And it was so.
This made many people mad. Nikodemus, his robotic fist raised to the sky, shouted, "You'll never get away with this!!" Talzhemir was heard to say, "Nice try but I still don't believe in you!" Most upset, however, was the Prince of Darkness, Satan.
Satan (pictured above) said that he has been steadily converting FurN into an extension of Hell for overflow clients. "You wouldn't believe the overcrowding situation in Hell, man," Satan explained. "Cthulu keeps whining about it. Christ, he's such a whiner."
So when God was looking the other way, Satan managed to get Furcadia running again at 8:32 pm Friday. I think I speak for all of us when I say "Hail Satan!"
sanctimonious eaten by giant snake
In a sad turn of events, the uncapitalized beggar fox known as sanctimonious was eaten whole by a giant snake. Authorities are baffled by this sad turn of events. Baffled! It is unknown how a giant snake got into Furcadia but reports suggest that maybe Cironir forgot to shut the gate.
The snake, which has been identified as a Giant Snake, was found sunning itself on a rock in Lost Lake. Veterinarians found several crayon-
inflicted stab wounds on the snake's body, suggesting sanctimonious's desperate fight for survival.
Felorin was reportedly "disappointed" when he heard the news of his best programmer's death. In deep mourning, he promptly put out an advertisement for a new programmer:
"Looking for experienced, skilled C++ programmer for fulltime, rewarding work. Twenty origami cranes to start with chance of raise. Medical, Dental, Ocular Insurance included. Cluracan need not apply."
Letters to the editor
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:200
Oh really cute paper this week.
I have a new thing for you to cover since the creation of Dragon scales, there was this News broadcasts about;
[N] Beekin reports: Are you an artist who does commissions at reasonable rates? Sketches, portraits, Patch items, and more? Then Artist's Alley wants furc://artistsalley:hotartists/ .
Well at first I though.. ....., but went there to check it out!
Just maybe you could pay it a visit when you get the chance from your busy pen!
Beware though, do not post any URL's.. well I dare you to. ;)
—Fed Up in California
Dear Fed Up: You should talk to your friend to see if he would like a ride to Mycroft's. That way he won't have to worry about driving and parking at night.
After the meal, you should let him use his DragonScales if he wants to but insist that you pick up the check for any additional cost. If he won't let you assume the additional cost, then thank him profusely and tell him that you'll accept his generosity only as long as it means that he will let you treat him to another dinner (or a nice "beekin" meal at your house) soon.
Hope this answers your question!