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VOL. 38

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2007

Furcadian auction (another one)

The Muskrat has to wear that so he or she won't chew on his or her stitches

Click for noises

There was an auction recently, as you may remember from last week's issue. We had assigned our finest audiojournalist, The Masked Elf, to cover the story.

Unfortunately, he got confused and covered the wrong auction. Click here to hear his report (and make sure your volume is at maximum).

You may need to read the transcript.

 

Furcadia Groundhog Day, yet no groundhog?

by Matthew

Sadly, since Furcadia has no groundhog species, we used a musteline instead! The musteline rolled 1d10 to see if it saw its shadow (over 5 is yes) and it saw its shadow! A perfect 10! It looks like it's 6 more weeks of winter for Furcadia!

 

The mustie saw its shadow. Honestly, it's pretty hard not to without being blind or something.

Which means... 6 more weeks of snow all over the place and those ice chairs that hurt my bottom! Truly a sad day for Furcadia. In other news, OMGIATEMYOWNHEAD. Yep... I tell ya... *Silent*

 

Kiyichichi's weather report for this week

by Not Kiyichichi, maybe

From today until Wednesday, the forecast is furrly cloudy over all of the Vinca; expect a few furre-shaped clouds passing by in Naia and Allegria Island. Some may be the talking kind but it's best to ignore them. In Meovanni, expect it to be raining cats, dogs, and possibly a few eagles.

Later in the week in Furrabia we will be rained on by GENITALIA STORM 2007, but it will pass by Saturday in time for the strip show. Be sure to take an umbrella. In the Acropolis and Challenges areas, nothing will happen. Nothing ever does. Haven should expect occasional showers of who-gives-a-damn, and Imaginarium may explode due to too much creativity.

This week's lucky numbers are: 1, 4, Q, 69, BANANA.

Not Kiyichichi is certainly not Kiyichichi.

 

Recent vandalism terrorizes Furcadia

by Arach Sal De Doboarmra

Nobody is safe.

Turmoil engulfs the streets of Furcadia tonight, as one man is on the prowl. Marked with a can of spray paint and a tattoo gun, nobody knows where this devilish dastardly demon will deign to put his mark next.

This hellion's name? Damadar.

Who's gonna clean it up, huh?!

Look at all that filthy graffiti! Look at it!!

Since his acquisition of Furcadia earlier this year, Damadar has been taking increased liberties with the population. Some say he's growing worse than Cironir. Others claim he's the reason the update is locked behind a steel door, refusing to come out. The rumors are flying and speculation is running rampant as Furcadians try to live a normal, peaceful life in their furry clothes.

Damadar is ruining the Furcadian dream. He's taken to the streets like a raving lunatic, painting his name on everything in sight. His latest victim, Gethsemane, was marked on her right hand by him. In a bizarre turn of events, not only was she the first (and to date only) person Damadar has marked in his lunacy, she also has his name permanently marked onto her paw; he assaulted her with a tattoo gun.

"Well," she said, blushing slightly as the camera-men took pictures of her hand, "I thought it was flattering. I'm the only person he deemed worthy enough to hold his name. I guess that makes me his property, then? How bold."

Authorities are hot on his tail. If you see him, do not approach. He's considered armed and spray-painty. Please, just summon a local guardian, (like Napster!) so that he may be apprehended and brought to court for his crimes.

Arach Sal De Doboarmra is a really strange name, don't you think?

 

Did you know?

Did you know that you may already be a winner?

 

Alts for sale

FACTORY BLOWOUT!! SALE SALE SALE!

SALE!!!!

THE BEST ALTS YOU'VE EVER SEEN!!!!!

Hurry while supplies last, you naive, gullible consumer!

 

Herbert McFace

Bambi's Mother Back From The Dead

En'FurN Ay'DougWinger Lo'TGT

I have no idea what those pictures are there

It must be true, it's in the newspaper.

Bigfoot breaks rule #5

by Kittyloaf

We at The Muskrat have found out the truth about Felorin. Wondering why this update was taking so long, we sent in ace cub reporter Kittyloaf to do some undercover investigation. The truth is out there... way out there.

No one had seen the famed origami-making furre since the night of the celebrity auction, when he was seen holding paws with a large, hulking, blurry figure running though a heavy wooded area of Imaginarium.

So we laid low and kept our eyes peeled and ears alert until we heard strange rumors and gossip claiming Felorin had showed up on a main map looking beaten and bruised, babbling incoherently about plus-sized pixels.

We tracked down the abused creator several days later, tempting him with offers of fresh baked goods for his side of the story. We now reveal his version of the saga. He looked in surprisingly good shape when we searched him out.

 

Kittyloaf holds out a microphone and asks " Mr. Felorin Would you like to comment on the Horrific Abuse you suffered at the paws of the Yeti?

Felorin: Yes. The yeti is a misunderstood beast, who really just wants snuggles and tummyrubs like all the rest of us.

Felorin: Ok bye for now! ;-)

 

Moynelle, who was nearby, laughed at the co-creator, who blushed and then quickly was summoned away to the female sasquatch's love nest hidden somewhere in the bowels of FurN.

His mouth says

Outraged Emerald Flame: "He's not the same furre I fell in love with anymore"

Our investigative instincts and lack of journalistic integrity told us there was much more to the story. So, we did some eavesdropping in some bushes in Sanctuary and overheard Emerald Flame sobbing quietly to Cironir.

The Guardian head commented that Felorin had confided in him, saying, "I never meant for this to happen, I even resisted... well, at least I did at first... but there was something about the way she smelled. A pungent mix of earth and sweet alyssum. There was something in the way she moved. Shadows cavorting across the walls. There's something about the way she kissed me. Our tongues waxing polyrhythmic. Ooh, there's something above those big feet! It's got me begging to be her love slave."

Emerald Flame was heard to bemoan, "He's not the same furre I fell in love with anymore!" She also cried something like "He told me it was non-consensual, and that he had placed her on ignore and reported it to the Guardians." But we can't confirm this as it was accompanied by loud hysterical wailing.

Will this love affair triangle continue to keep the update on hold? Will Emerald Flame dump the philandering Dr. Cat? Will El Borracho return the Bigfoot costume he rented? Look for further updates as they occur, and the rest of this story unfolds.

Kittyloaf is made of bread and cat.

Writers have a guild now?! Then it is already too late.

Poor Felorin, masking his pain with #SDs...

Remember Chaos Nake? I don't.

 

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

Yesterday I got on Furc and her alt wasn't on. My messager shows she's not using her computer but I'm sure she has it set to lie for her. I called her on the phone and she didn't answer. I know she does this on purpose just to make me crazy! How can I prove she's cheating on me?
Signed, Frantic Frank

 

Dear Frank,

Just ask her, "Are you cheating on me?" When she says no, you'll know she's lying. You're talented that way.

 

Dear Nake,

I got banished from The Slave Chamber a while back for speaking my mind. The law says if a place is popular it becomes a traditional public forum with freedom of speech and freedom of assembly even if the place is privately owned. How do I get my constitutional rights back?
Signed, Fifth Columnist

Dear FC,

No need. TSC has already solved this issue. A combination of dull meaningless staff drama and angry pompous hysterical whispers as they eject innocent patrons has effectively cured it of popularity. It is thus no longer in danger of traditional public forum status. I hear they're turning it into a retirement community.

 

Dear Nake,

Every night a different slaver buys and abuses me. When I volunteered for this, I never expected to get passed around! I want to be whipped and made to perform degrading acts by just one person. I want somebody who will brand me with their name and lock me in a dog crate. You know, make me feel SPECIAL. I was hoping to be totally owned but instead I just feel cheap and used! What can I do?
Signed, Low-rent Lyla

 

Dear Low-ly,

This one's easy. Put [Rental Only] in your desc. Makes you seem hard-to-get. You'll attract whole armies of faithful romantic slavers who only want longterm RP with just one slave.