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VOL. 35

MONDAY, JANUARY 8, 2007

New Furcadia wiki destroys all hope for furrekind

A collective sob was heard throughout Furcadia as a new wiki was unveiled. Called Wik Fur (to be confused with WikiFur), it promises to be a useful tool for disseminating completely true information about Furcadia. It will also bring untold misery to everyone.

As soon as the wiki was revealed to the public, turmoil filled Furcadia. Many furres spontaneously combusted, and even more ran around engulfed in flames, screaming in agony. Also, pieces of the sky began falling from... uh, the sky.

It's okay to cry. We won't think any less of you.

 

Grammar murderer strikes

By Barry

STAR SPANGLED BAH — Many furres can be seen wandering in and out of Star Spangled, usually newbies screaming "CN I HV HOSE 9????" and the like. But the group of lazy staff beyond the desk were unaware that a murderer lies in their midst by the name of Sandstorm. Sandstorm was caught murdering grammar on New Years Day, saying, "my metabolism sucks, i know it is" and then admitting to killing grammar directly afterwards.

Seriously, I don't really know who this Sandstorm person is, and I don't really care!

The murderer.

Bystander Ark was asked to comment on the situation, replying with "UH. idk!?" and then went AFK. Heterosexual was asked questions as well, but was wisely unresponsive. Other bystander Alex-Makoshi commented "ROCK ON BIIIITCH!" to Sandstorm, who then high-fived him. Random person Kimbley was unresponsive to any questions, due to him apparently 'chewing on Archer's ear for 0:7 :D'. Sandstorm was last seen running off with a large amount of candy canes.

Barry is a self-described "treehumping crossdressing serial killer" with an issue with rabbits that go "BAAAHHHHH!!!!" He has never written for us before.
That is of course a lie.

 

Poetry corner

Evidently we're still doing this thing. Sorry. This week's poem is by John Keats.

Ode on Afkness

No, no, go not to afkdom, neither idle

For hours, drooling, for its boringness;

Nor suffer thy limp body to be yiffed

By strangers, creepy ones of FurN;

Make not thy away message of thy proxy,

Nor let the newb nor the n00b be

Someone who talks to an afk person, nor the Guardian

An ejecter of you for afking in the wrong place;

For idler to idler will come too often,

And rot in the map-clogging anguish of Furcadia.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that musteline blood cures measles?

 

Alts for sale

We're selling the following alts for magic beans.

 

Lipstink

Sammy "The Informant" Gravano

Liv Tyler's Dad

Jeff Worthyfox

Sacha Baron Harkonnen

Kiwi stew, anyone?

The Muskrat's voice of manly vigor and Nutella on toast, The Masked Elf, gives us an exclusive audio report on the ghastly

 

circumstances happening in Furcadia at this very moment. Specifically, the kiwi problem, and Cinder Bear's extreme efforts to stop it.

The report can be heard by clicking that weird icon to the left, and the transcript can probably be found here.

 
Valdez could not be reached for comment.

Muskrat sold near gas station

Furcadia's best (read: only) source for Furcadian news, The Muskrat, is now being sold outside an Exxon-Mobil gas station in Taco Bell on Furcadia.

This newsstand offers delicious papery news for the masses, as well as helpful hints on other practical uses for the fine publication.

The retail deal was made in secret after years of heated negotiations between El Borracho and Nash. Finally, Nash agreed to pay El Borracho $5,000,000 (US) and a dozen trained monkeys for the rights to retail the prestigious and totally awesome newspaper in his dream.

But after Nash found the newspaper available for free on the Roamheart Patching Database, he realized he didn't have to pay The Muskrat anything. So he didn't.

In related news, notorious assassin NiteMyste has been hired by The Muskrat. He has a job to do.

 

Oh no. More advice from Chaos Nake.

 

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

How do I make it so that when somebody moves into a furre they turn into a bleeding camel without a head but not if there is a white pillow under them?
Signed, DragonSpeak Is Satan's Tongue

 

Dear DragonSpeaker,

Whisper Simseth. He's very good at dragonspeak and he'll do all the DS for you.

 

Dear Nake,

My BaH is totally empty except for me. I worked so hard and it's got lots of unique stuff in it. How can I get furres to come in?
Signed, Unhappy Homemaker

 

Dear Homey,

You need a MySpace page. It should say that you're 14, female, and looking for an older man in real life. Say you used to do child modeling. Mention modeling is the career you want, or masseuse. Now stand around AI. You'll get a lot of people who "want to see your dream".

 

that Nash guy has two dreams in one issue, the lucky bastard.

This screenshot is not photoshopped.

McDonald's: Closed?

By Matthew

Mcdonald's On Furcadia has been closed by the ministry of dreams today, due to an outbreak of N00b Disease.

Somehow a disease has gotten into the food that is causing everyone to type in chatspeak! The disease targets the brain and gets rid of common sense in a person. A person leaving McDonald's had this to say: "hi cn i be ur m8". That person used to be intelligent!

Scientists know nothing about the

disease except that it can cause permanent brain damage, and that it started spreading in McDonald's food. A health inspector for the ministry refused to comment.

Although the food itself is fine, we believe it may be the salt they put in it! More will follow on the out break of N00b disease when it's available, and we will also report when it's safe to eat McDonald's food again!

Matthew is larger than a breadbox but smaller than a car.

 
Emmie is such a kidder!

Emmie talks about future avatar changes, to the shock of Moynelle.