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VOL. 34

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2, 2007

Furcadians rally in support of authority

This Saturday, hundreds, or at least dozens, of furres assembled for the largest demonstration Furcadia has ever seen. Their aim: to show support of authority, something loved by almost all residents of Furcadia (especially its large adolescent population).

Marching through the streets of Naia Green, the rallying furres carried colorful, heart-filled signs that said things like "WE #SO GUARDIANS" and "PLEASE TELL US WHAT TO DO". One particularly radical female demonstrator streaked nude through Naia Green yelling "BREASTS FOR BEEKINS". Eventually the rally clogged up the area and began taking with it furres who were trying to go the other direction but couldn't get through.

One of the rally's organizers was Splintsaw Yawrev, who loves authority to an even greater extent than most furres. However, as he told us, there are a few people who only love authority a little and therefore do not fully agree with his view of DEP. "Some furres have suggested that our adoration for those who make the rules has blinded us, making us overlook their alleged flaws and only see their good side. To them, I say, 'YOU SUCK! SUCK! SUCKETY SUCK SUCK SUCK!'" Yawrev then began frothing at the mouth, and the marchers stopped briefly to wait for him to snap out of it.

DEP members Felorin and Talzhemir were stunned and overwhelmed by the marchers' display of affection, as it was significantly greater than what they were used to (a gathering of furres that surrounds them whenever they go online, desperately hoping to receive just a glance from those they worship). Cironir was seen weeping tears of joy, his arms outstretched in euphoric bliss, as he watched the parade pass before him. However, he soon regained his senses and banned all of the marchers, to the delight of everyone.

Bahamut could not be reached for comment, as he was busy kissing Emerald Flame's feet.

 
It's not a metaphor! It's a real door!!

Behind this locked door lurks the update. (artist's rendering by Damadar)

Door delays update

By Damadar

The update is guarded behind this secure door. Unfortunately, it has been this way for the past year and a half. Felorin lost the combination and DEP has been struggling to get into it.

Felorin, being his wily self, has been trying to get in by presenting it with origami dragons.

Talzhemir has been talking to the door about how it doesn't exist, and therefore must relenquish the update. Unfortunately for her, the door is just as stubborn as she is.

Gar has been drawing Olde Town maps on the door, in hopes of wowing it with artwork similar to his squirrels. Unfortunately for him, it'll be nine months before he's done sculpting the first avatar in chalk.

Emerald Flame took her usual tactics of being DEP's central voice and talking to the door. After listening very hard with her ear to the door, she realized she'd been talking to Talzhemir about her foot fungus. Disturbed, she ran screaming from the door, and has been avoiding Talzhemir ever since.

Cironir took his guardians and tried to pummel his way through it, but failed, instead managing to ban everyone from Furcadia for 12 days. sanctimonious [sic] spent his time programming away in crayons, waiting for his compiler (a box of tinker toys) to finish loading so he can try his wall-hacking protocol.

When asked about the status of the update, the only answer DEP can give is "whenever we can get that @$!?ing @$!?ty posterior@$!?ing door open, @$!?!"

It's best not to bother them about it. Unless you're a locksmith.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that I've been away for 14 hours and 52 minutes, so stop talking to me, dammit?

 

Alts for sale

We're selling the following alts for even a faint glimmer of dignity and self-respect. We seem to be out of that stuff.

 

Futanari Damacy

Ficken Sie Deutsch?

WHERE ARE ALL THE HUMANS

Potmaster

Potmaster2

H&R Block On Furcadia

Drugs aren't funny

Hippies. Long-haired, pot-smoking, dirty, freakish hippies. They challenge the very foundation of Furcadia: Long-furred, catnip-smoking, dirty, freakish furries.

So imagine our disgust when we found a dream by one "Terra Wolf" that brought the sick hippie lifestyle into our wholesome community.

 

MASS HALLUCINATION

After only a few minutes of exposure to hippies, Kiyichichi began hallucinating smiley faces and peace symbols.

Embedded reporter Kiyichichi described her traumatic experience for us.

 

"I found strange objects with strange smells, and many colorful things that burned my eyes. Also, there were beanbag chairs. Terra was too busy spewing smoky vomit to comment on my being there. I found a heartbroken redneck/'cherleder' named Billy Bob Joe Ray Bobbie Bill, and a rodent named Pondering. We conversed for a while, though nothing interesting was said."

 

Is this the sort of Furcadia we want our children to inherit from us? Where redneck/cherleders become heartbroken and nothing interesting is said??

For the sake of the community, we must criminalize recreational drugs, bright colors, and uninteresting conversation.

Think of the IC children!

 

 

Guardianman Returns (again??)

Well, guess what? Chibi Edward just won't let the Guardianman series die. I'd kill it myself, but who'd crush the hopes and dreams of a child? ...what's that you

say? He's not a child? He's not even a... WHAT?? You, sir, are a liar!

Anyway, here's the latest Guardianman comic. It features Chibi Edward himself, and the partying city again. That city sure is festive!

IT'S CRAYONTASTIC
 

Beekin the help dragon: imposter?

By Matthew

Beekin imposters are on the loose. While Guardians have tried to keep it under control, furres with dragons won't stop impersonating Beekin. One of the imposters even made a helpless furre buy them a digo, saying that it was required to continue playing Furcadia!

Guardians had this to say: "While we are outraged by this imposter, we can't do much about it. People have the

 

freedom to pick colors as they choose on Furcadia."

Sadly it doesn't end there. Another one of the imposters requested that a newbie yiff him. But then... things started to look better. The Guardians actually started helping! They banned all the imposters. Yay, the end.

Since Matthew is such a common name, we can't determine anything about this guy. Except that he's an exploding robot alien lumberjack from the planet Golgafrincham.

 

The Muskrat resolves

Since everyone else is doing it, we at The Muskrat asked ourselves: "Hey! Why don't we think up some well-meaning New Year's resolutions and then forget about them immediately?" Then we answered ourselves: "Because that would be stupid. You're stupid." We didn't like the tone we were taking, so we ignored ourselves and came up with the following resolutions:

 

1. We resolve to lose forty pounds at a British casino.

 

2. We resolve to publish each issue not only on time, but so early that it creates a time paradox and cancels global warming. I bet you didn't know fake newspapers were that powerful, did you?! That's because they're not.

3. El Borracho resolves to stop drinking. On a similar vein, The Other Guy (AKA Ydalv, but we don't call him that anymore except at the bottom of the page) resolves to take up skiing in hell.

 

Finally, phoenixes serve a useful purpose!

4. We'll burn last year's Christmas Tree pretty soon. It's all dry and sap-leaking and stuff so it goes up pretty fast. Kids, don't try this at home! Do it outside.

 

5. We resolve to increase our namedropping of DEP members by at least 42%. Felorin, Gar, Emerald Flame, and Talzhemir most likely approve.

 

We continue this week with more of Chaos Nake's poisonous but well-meant advice.

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

I keep getting obsessed with meaningless stuff on Furcadia. First it was just moving pillows. Then it was doing beekin welcomer calls. Now I'm totally into alt-trading. Please help me!
Signed, Ins-Omni-Ack

 

Dear Ack,

Experts theorize that about 40% of the human population is useless.

Now, somewhere out there are these two guys with dark glasses, looking sorta like the Blues Brothers. On the inside of their shades, though, there's a readout showing how many useless people are left. Call them the Forty Percent Guys. They travel all over the world causing bleacher collapses at monster truck rallies, fatal chemical leaks next to big colleges of cosmetology, that sort of thing. Find them.

Dear Nake,

I have a nice description and pretty good port. I make six-line posts full of verbs, nouns, and even adjectives.

I don't use netspeak, and my spelling and grammar are above average. I have tried every combination of gender, species, and orientation. Half the time I am a slave.

But every time I go to The Golden Tether, nobody will do RP with me. I whisper or post and they ignore me totally. What am I doing wrong?
Signed, Slaver X

 

Dear X,

It's not you. The place is stuffed to the gold-fringed red velvet with BOTS.

You can tell alot of them apart pretty easy. They don't have web pages in their descs, and they're about as responsive as a sorority chick on a beer and a double dose of date-rape drug.

Unless your idea of fun is something comatose (and I know some of you are into that), try someplace else.