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VOL. 39

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2007

Don't worry, it's *IN*flammable!

TRUCK!!!

Illegal aliens arriving with The Muskrat?

by Matthew

Yes, it's being argued that The Muskrat's own "Kittyloaf" has used the delivery truck to cross illegal immgirants and perhaps even humans through the Furcadian border. Kittyloaf denies the whole thing, of course. We've included a transcript of what our reporter asked her today:

Wolfpawz pulls out a paper and pencil and a false mustache

Kittyloaf: hmm ?

You say, "Good day kittyloaf, I got some questions about the muskrat truck"

You say, "Is it true, It is being used to ship illegal immigrants and *gasp* Humans!??! Into furcadia?"

Kittyloaf: Umm Im not at liberty to say >.>

Kittyloaf: it IS used to ship newspapers

You say, "And is it also true that the immigrants have been wrecklessly drinking and driving and ruining furc? And you are contrubuting to it?"

Kittyloaf: Umm No comment?

You say, "And the fact that it's not even owned by the muskrat O:"

Kittyloaf: Umm El Borracho is the one who drinks perhaps you should ask him ?

Also, Wolfpawz, who works with the Furcadian CIA, had this to say: "If those humans keep coming here illegally, Furcadia will be screwed! We have to protect it, even if it means having guards follow the Muskrat's trucks!" Wolfpawz was outraged. Oh, and my cover as Matthew has been blown! Anyway, be on the look out for illegal immigrants tied together with your newspaper, and report them to Guardians or the Furcadian CIA ASAP.

Matthew is not secretly Wolfpawz. Don't listen to the rumors.

 

First desctags for sale: Hearts

Nothing says love like a cluster of pixels lit up in a specific configuration that resembles two heart symbols.

Yes, desctags are finally on sale. Valentine's Day-themed graphics hit stores last week like a ton of fluffy, loving bricks. And they are selling like hotcakes, especially the kind of hotcakes that are not hotcakes at all, but desctags.

"Orders have been through the roof!" stated Orders manager and sultry 1950s torch singer Leah. "Gar had to fix the hole with some love shingles he found in the basement." When asked what "love shingles" were, Leah quickly changed the subject. "Nice weather today in Furcadia, huh?" she blurted.

 

February: what's not to like?

by Toyo

How many of you don't like winter? Not snow, but just the frigidness of winter. Well, over 90 percent of the students of StarWing High hate it. Scientists have proven that February is not only the shortest month of the year but the coldest on the northern hemisphere as well.

I asked several students and faculty members what they dislike or hate the most about this short freezing month. The one thing that stood out the most was what Walter Slovotsky said: "I hate snowcones." What is the relevance that that quote has to this article, you may ask? Well, the truth is it has absolutely nothing to do with this at all. For the time being, let's blame Walter's hatred of snowcones on February.

"If February had eyes I'd throw sawdust in them," said Toothpaste Bandit, the art teacher of SWH. I personally have my own reasons for hating February. Anyone know when Black History month is? February. My heritage finally gets a month and guess what? It's the shortest month of the year. I smell conspiracy!

Toyo is a Japanese animator best known for her work on Family Guy.

 

Things get wild

by Eric

I'm here and there are 100 monkeys dancing to rock music. I'm serious, they're listening to a rock! I'm getting very angry at that 2-foot monkey because he made me slip on the banana he ate. OH NOOOO it's raining now! The mischievous monkeys are getting too wild to control! OWWWWW one just bit me! This is the only stuff I can write because the monkeys are trying to mess me up. Over and out.

We're very sorry. That Eric guy... he's not with us.

 

Alts for sale

This week we're selling the freshest succulent alts, grown hydroponically in a large vat of lark's vomit.

 

God's Hyperintelligent Cat

Roxanne, Who Puts On The Red Light

Vladimir Ilyich McCartney

30 Stone

Sawdust factory explodes

by Burnt Ice

STARWING HIGHSCHOOL — It was a normal day, only one day after the birthday of principal Burnt Ice, until something amazing happened. Burnt Ice was going out for a small stroll when a small pop was heard and she busted through the doors. She was found covered in sawdust, oak, redwood, even maple sawdust.

Walter Slovotsky was working on forms for a field trip when the incident

 

smells like sawdust

Sawdust covered everything. It was glorious.

happened. After just a short minute, he shouted, “Yay!” and ran outside. When the students and faculty looked outside, they found him face down in the sawdust as if he was drowning. He was actually sobbing in happiness.

This explosion also made the students very happy. Melody Felinus’ was reported saying, “We won’t have allergies to dust anymore!” Even though that almost made no sense (it was later found that she was allergic to sawdust, she claimed that she’d sneeze it out) she seemed very happy. “It was beautiful #SO” Walter Slovotsky stated after he was done making sawdust angels.

Even though the school seems happy, local investigators (-3 of them to be exact) are still trying to figure out why it happened. All that could be found was the remains of roman candles, matches, and fireworks with Burnt Ice’s fingerprints on the box they came from. She would be taken in for questioning if anyone really cared.

Burnt Ice writes about herself in third person. She is also a volunteer firefighter in Boring, Oregon.

 
Call my mother.

Spingle spoong sddhj. The greatest words ever spoken.

Alts attack airport!

by An anonymous (that's how it was signed, really!)

The Vinca: 3pm, February 10th, 2007. A loud uproar is heard there as three swirlinglines of alts and furres appear in the Vinca. Pandemonium erupts as the alts shout "The rebellion!!!" and "Destroy the airport!!". At the front of one of these lines, JackClaw was interviewed:

 

Reporter: Um... hello. Could I ask you a few questions?

JackClaw: Sure.

Reporter: Well, we've been wondering about what you're doing here. With all these alts.

JackClaw: Well, at an Airport in Allegria, Kalka Wrendi airport, someone has brought an army of things... and keeps ejecting us. We've gathered all

 

these furres here for a rebellion! VIVE LA RESISTANCE!

Reporter: Well there you have it.

 

We saw most of the battle. It was gruesome, like the apocalyse, but much worse!! It was hideous! HIDEOUS!!!! I'm lucky I managed to survive. We interviewed JackClaw later on, after the bloody battle:

 

JackClaw: A great victory... ...but with many casualties.

Reporter: I'm glad you won. I think.

JackClaw: I hope you do.

 

The battle ended in great losses on both sides, but in the end, JackClaw's, Tom Reynolds's, And BloodDust Izishi's armies of alts won over the army. Woot!

An anonymous is a... I have no idea.

 
FEED THEM TO THE LIONS

The color pink is the opiate of the masses!

Corruption at bible study dream

by Joe Fundie

Hello, my name is Joe Fundie, and today I have hacked Dookia's furre screenshots in the name of the Lord Beekin. I declare war on all wicked screenshots like these.

First of all, you most certainly remember the issue of The Muskrat in which a hippie by the name of Terra Wolf smoked weed in front of visitors! Repress it, evil insane nonrepressed hippie witch. This time, her pot-lovin' friends have wreaked havoc inside of furc://biblestudy:feralbiblestudy/, even to the point of driving its owner out. And Dookia kept note of it! Hey look, Beekin used her to take the screenshots for me!

The shameless insanity began with "psychic" Dookia greeting our earlier-seen hippie friends. This means that Dookia is a demon, and therefore will burn nicely in default objects 407, 1000, and 1001 once she dies. The other furres want to start a Satanic Church dream, and the upload bot obviously is the only sane one, since Dookia is psychic and therefore magically not sane. (Hey look at my pun!) Babies are recommended to be sacrificed, blood to be drunk, and of course orgies. Yes, furpile orgies like in

FurN with the hyoomans. We also find out that homosexuals take antidepressants unlike me aside from my yummy-dummy Procrap here.... I also know Beekin most certainly does not like guro, which is Japanese for black! If he liked guro, then Zefiroth would be black and not cloudy during the day. All of our Beekin-given plants would then die, and we would suffer.

And the Pagan Maya Religious calendar is mentioned, which is not right for the only reason that Beekin does not support it. The end times are coming a lot sooner than 2012, too, such as on, say, June 6th last year?

RGT45544HGGFGYGDTE4T53443T3

HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FUNDIE!!???

I cannot comprehend what Dookia has just said onto the keyboard. Keyboards look like Ouija boards, only you cannot slice them up into pieces and sprinkle them with holy water if they get out of whack. You can only hope and pray to Beekin afterwards, that everything shall be all right....

Get offa my alt!!!!!1!1NPOI "M not GONNA......

Joe Fundie is not responding to questions about the noodle incident.