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VOL. 36

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2007

Vlady interrogated

High atop a tower in Emerald Flame's zombie guild Sanctuary we stumbled upon the great and incomparable Vlady. Actually, we didn't so much "stumble upon" him as "actively search for him, even going so far as to enlist the help of one Ancient Wizard."

If you haven't heard of Vlady, and don't understand what all the fuss is about, good. That's exactly as it should be. It's a secret, and it sure isn't our job as reporters to expose the truth!

Anyway, we interviewed him, and it was our BEST INTERVIEW EVER!! Hopefully you have a poor memory and don't remember the other interviews.

 
Hi, I can't think of anything witty to say here!

Surveillance cameras took this picture after the incident. Look at all the transparent blood splattered everywhere. Gross, huh?

Furre injured in Taco Bell mishap

One furre was severely injured and another was severely annoyed after a car accident severely ruined everyone's plans, severely. In her hurry to get some "Mexican" "food" from Taco Bell, "for" some reason, Plaits van Sewwry was not paying attention to where her car was going and crashed right into Vyrne Sal Witpaws, an innocent furre who never did nobody no harm.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Witpaws as he bled onto the asphalt. "This really hurts! I think I need an ambulance!"

"Quit being so emo," van Sewwry replied angrily, then drove off.

Several hours after the event, both parties were still suffering. Witpaws said from his hospital bed, "This really sucks, man. The doctor says I might not be able to use my right leg again."

Van Sewwry was even worse off. "This really sucks, man," she said. "I can't stand these emos always whining about everything. They should stop thinking only about themselves. Now my day is totally ruined!" She then began to cry.

 

Furcadia’s harsh winter affects food supplies

By Kittyloaf

A nasty rumor that forced McDonald's to close left Talzhemir and several of her posse stranded outside in a harsh blizzard. The shivering crowd was forced to capture and eat a scrawny, half-frozen rat as their only way to keep energy levels up. This went on until Felorin grew tired of settling purrsonal injury lawsuits in both Imaginarium and Allegria Island due to dangerous pixelated patching, according to inside sources.

Kittyloaf is only slighty larger than a loaf of bread because she has cat ears and a tail.

 

Alts for sale

We're selling the following alts for a box of chocolates.

 

Garfield

Marmaduke

Heathcliff

Snoopy

Hobbes

Dogbert

Opus

Satchel

Marine? Marine what?

"$70,000,000" is actually a typo for "¥70.000 000", and "Dead or alive" is of course a typo for "Dude, I'm in love!" ...cops are weird.

Muskrat wanted by police

The Muskrat, a known criminal in several states for libelous statements, treason, and enjoyment of the music of Journey, now has a price on her head.

Yes, this newspaper you are reading may be confiscated from your pixel-laden paws at any moment. You might even be locked up. So put it down now, and back away slowly! Oh no... the cops are here already!! RUN!!!

Oh.. oh wait. False alarm. It was just some Guardians.

Anyway, the reward for The Muskrat is some really small amount of money, so don't bother trying to turn him in. You can't find her anyway, it's invisible or something. Not to mention the whole gender thing. He really freaks me out sometimes.

Shinichi Kudo found the wanted sign shown to the right. It is rife with typos, as you can see.

 

Once again, Chaos Nake assaults us with helpful advice.

 

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

I was a kiwi but now I'm not. It was really fun being a round flightless bird. I and many others want to remain kiwis. Is there some way we can get Furcadia to understand what this means to us, and keep the kiwi avvie available year-round???
Signed, No-Wing Looks

 

Dear No-Wing,

Yes. I heard DEP has a town meeting just for kiwis. There are special doors that only kiwis can go through. They have also ordered a large quantity of BBQ sauce.

Dear Nake,

All my life I thought I wasn't into sex. Not RL, not Furc. Then that horse dream turned my life inside out. Every day I go straight there. I just want to be bridled, saddled, rode hard and put away wet. My girlfriend of two years left me because those noises I make now scared her. I don't even do yiff scenes but all day I fantasize about rear-pulling and packing holes for studs. If that horse dream isn't up, I can't sleep. Save me!
Signed, Quadruped-ophile

 

Dear Quaddy,

Sounds like after getting in touch with your self, you need a kleenex. Go, go to that horse dream! And seek out a vet who specializes in large animals and gelding. You'll be cuter when you're neutered.

 
OH GOD WHAT ARE THOSE... CREATURES?!

Alatariel's desc is a leading cause of confusion in lab rats.

Ouran High School is made out of rich people

By Alatariel

Ouran High School is an elegant school for rich, upperclass students, many of whom have too much time on their hands. As they spent it leisurely around the school grounds in the various clubs that are held within this well laid out building, reporter Alatariel stumbled upon one club, known as the "Host Club" of Ouran.

Alatariel states, "Opening the doors of the Third Music Room, I found myself surrounded by handsome men all hosting the most elegant women."

Upon further study, Alatariel came to

 

realize that this Host Club's members were nothing more than seven flirtatious lechers (handsome as they may be) trying to get women to bear children for them.

Two particular members stood out: Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin, identical twins. They were flirtatious all right, but they appeared to be more on the gay side, having declared they wished to only spend time with each other. They could often be seen clinging to one another in an overly passionate way. "Hikaru and I both enjoy it rough," Kaoru pointed out, as the uke hid behind his older twin.

Alatariel may or may not be an uke. We're not sure what that means.

 
I wanna hold your haaaand

Yes, it is newsworthy, and we're not just filling up space. Jerk.