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VOL. 33

MONDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2006

DEP self-destructs

DEP, the ruling party of Furcadia, has just enacted new legislation that should be very popular. The "Have It Your Way" Law severely limits the power of DEP and puts it in the hands of the people. Metaphorical hands, that is. Not real ones. Actually, forget the hands entirely. It should be paws.

Beginning next Tuesday, Furcadia will be controlled directly from the Suggestions forum. Any suggestions posted there will immediately become policy, even if they're impossible to do, like 1024-bit graphics or 3D FreeBSD clients or something. Additionally, the Guardians will be dissolved, and every furre will have the power to ban every other furre.

"We were tired of controlling everything, and everyone hated that anyway," said the formerly important Felorin. "What better way to solve that than to give the power to the people? Right on!"

The news was greeted with jubilant celebration from most people, but others were angered. "This is just like them!" said Rev. Al Swaswyptin. "They're just a bunch of power-hungry jerks who want to keep us down!" It was later determined that Swaswyptin had no idea what was going on; he just says that whenever DEP does something.

Analysts predict that Furcadia will be consumed by anarchy within a week. Civil war will ensue, and a rapid succession of brutal, insane dictators will ensue, each one deposed by the next. You will be lucky if you are killed in the onslaught, because finally, all DEP staff will be fired, the beekin program will be discontinued, and all of Furcadia will be ruled by the repressive, often violent tyranny of the dark empress Cinder Bear.

 

Sugar begins moderating forums

Great androgynous rhombuses! ...Er, sorry about that. I don't know what came over me.

Anyway, a mysterious furre by the name of Sugar has quietly begun moderating the Furcadia forums.

Related news: Damadar is now banned from Furcadia.

 

Did you know?

Did you know that Ember Orange is the color of despair?

Did you know that everything you eat is covered in bacteria? This has nothing to with Furcadia, but really, it's just gross.

 

Alts for sale

We're selling the following alts for coffee.

 

I REALLY LIKE SEX

erongi

Johnny Credit

Gentlemen, I give you...

CORN!!

"Weird Al" Gore

Really @$!?ing Cute

Talzheimer's Disease

Very Hairy Human

Fortunate Jarvis

Adult movies return to Naia

NAIA GREEN — Smut, filth, disgusting immoral pornography. It's everywhere! Don't be a hero! Just drop the baby you're holding and run for your life! Every man for himself! Every woman for porn!

Yes, pornography has returned to the seemingly innocuous FluFF pit (Fluffers, Floggers, and Fornicators). You may remember that we already talked about this last June. Well, this time, it's much worse!

Since June, Guardians have made several efforts to "clean up" Naia Green. Dangerous loiterers were evicted from

the Welcome Mat, Beekins were required to have their badges on at all times in Naia, and several horrible, horrible people have been banned from Naia completely.

Despite Guardians' efforts, Naia is even more filthy and disgusting as before. The latest example of Naia's hedonistic degradation is the vast number of adult movies being advertised in the FluFF pit. Furre adult movies, even!

PTAs and community watchdog organizations are already rallying for the complete bulldozing of Naia. If their demands are met, it will most likely be replaced with a Starbucks.

Naia is no place for children!

Will the perversion never end? Photo taken by Kiyichiyichichi.

Winter patch injures dozens

ALLEGRIA ISLAND — Every year, celebrating winter is a December (screw you, southern hemisphere!) tradition in Furcadia.

But this year, Allegria Island, Imaginarium, and Meovanni Village all have been redesigned with several hazards to health and safety. Slippery ice, dangerously low temperatures, and the most sadistic pillows I've ever seen have already injured 47, and the number

comfortable?

Seriously, why would you sit on something like that?

is continuing to rise.

 

This week we begin a totally new feature! A weekly advice column. It's by some guy in a mental institution.

Ask Chaos Nake

Dear Nake,

I have to share a computer with my dad and when he gets home, I have to stop using it. It's so humiliating to have to log off every day at six-thirty that I tell everyone I live in Kazakhstan. My mom says we should get a second computer but my dad is against it. What can I do?
Signed, Borat Junior

 

Dear B.J.,

Start engineering your parents' breakup. You can start with little questions to Mom like, "Why does Daddy like the web page 'Tranny Heaven'?" After they get a divorce, they'll both have to work much longer hours to make their respective home payments and no matter what household you live in, you'll have tons of time on the computer to yourself.

Dear Nake,

Everybody can buy Digo stuff but me. My parents have money and I get a good allowance. Trouble is, they won't let me spend it on Furcadia. They agree that I'm learning lots of good things. I can't buy Digos even if I earned the money myself with extra chores like washing the neighbor's dog.
Signed, Poor Little Rich Girl

 

Dear Girl,

Switch to playing crimebloconline.com instead. Tell your parents you're cured of wanting to spend money because now you're playing a game where you can get plenty of money in the game. You'll learn new valuable lessons like how to boost cars and move them, how to use private detectives to find assassination targets, and how to play high-stakes roulette. Once you have become a master mobster with your own gang, you can make other players buy you Digos on Furcadia or else they'll get rubbed out.