VOTED BEST FURCADIAN NEWS WEBSITE BY EVERYBODY

FREE!*

I'M CUTE

VOL. 22         *offer expires 5/13/64

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2006

This week's issue is a very special (and late) one. 24 aspiring journalists from the great nation of Furcadia have toiled for two grueling, sweaty weeks to create masterpiece articles for The Muskrat, out of sheer goodwill, or maybe for a big fat prize.

 

I, The Muskrat (the pretty lady up at the top there), have a couple things to say in introduction.

 

Firstly, this issue is about 10 times longer than all the others. You're welcome. It was all our doing.

 

Also, these articles are really funny. Many of them meet our own strict (ha) standards, and some of them even exceed our best efforts (Impossible, you say? Oh, okay. Nevermind). In fact, we had a very hard time choosing the winners; in the end, we decided to make it easier by just choosing who we liked more. And so that you won't realize that other people can be just as funny as us, we have reviewed each article with brutal dishonesty, exposing flaw after flaw, many of which do not really exist.

 

Special thanks to everyone who submitted. Thanks to you for reading, too. Oh, and thank you God, and mom, and my producer Binky, without him I wouldn't be here today, and thank you, my beautiful hairy belly button... you cheer me up when I'm alone at night, and... uh....

 

We'd also like to thank Xxythsristhirsty for the prizes, as well as Emerald Flame for helping us out when problems came up. Oh, how we'd like to.

 

And now, with no further ado, we present to you: (hey, that rhymed)

 

 
ESTE PRIZE ES MUY GRANDE (pero mis nalgas son frias)

 

Our Grand Prize goes to Drancron!

We've been meaning to write an article on the subject of thesaurus-(t)humpers for DECADES, but we were lazy and uncreative at the time (as you already know).

But now, some random person we've never heard of went and STOLE OUR IDEA! WITH MIND BULLETS!

For this great atrocity we give Drancron the severest punishment known to Furrekind: the Grand Prize.

You may say this is too harsh and cruel, even sadistic. Respectfully, our response to such words would be "HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE US, HERETIC?! YOU HAVE NOT BEEN INITIATED!! YOU KNOW NOT OUR WAYS!!!

 

 

 

GRAND PRIZE:

1-year dragon, a portrait space, and a custom-made portrait drawn by our very own The Other Guy, who can't draw! Congratulations, Drancron!!

 

Do Unknown Dinosaurs Roam Furcadia?

By Drancron

Duckburg, Calisota (FP) – According to one feline scientist, a number of previously unknown dinosaurs may be alive and well in Furcadia.

Beav Sherwin, one of Furcadia's leading anthrozoologists and an enthusiast of bars and their patrons, revealed this week a controversial possibility: more dinosaurs are rampant in Furcadia than previously believed. According to Sherwin’s article in an upcoming issue of the Cryptid Nuthatchery newsletter, a presently unrecognized ancient dinosaur species escaped the planet-wide disaster which wiped out 50 to 80 percent of all animal life 65 million years ago. This species evolved over time into its modern form which Sherwin describes as a "small, rectangular body, looking not unlike a book". She has dubbed this creature a "thesaurus".

Sherwin allegedly came to this conclusion after a chance encounter in Furrabian Nights. While searching for a popular dream for further research, Sherwin accidentally stepped in a number of big words making up what she originally thought to be someone's description. Closer study convinced Sherwin she had discovered the droppings of what she now believes is a Thesaurus rogeti.

Her conclusions have met with skepticism from her colleagues, including dragon Dr. Vel O'Cyraptor, who suggested Sherwin take a long vacation with some fine furres wearing white uniforms. According to O'Cyraptor, furres should "take this supposed discovery with a beachball-sized grain of salt." O'Cyraptor further cited several earlier claims made by Sherwin, all describing "questionable species" ranging from puce fish to naked-mole rat/monkey hybrids.

Sherwin encourages interested furres to look for what appear to be descriptions filled with big-worded synonyms for everyday terms, poorly placed in their context. If any are found, she can be reached through the White-Coated Furres.

 

 

 

Our second-place winner is Chibi Edward! His wonderfully written article about a homoerotic gym in Furrabian Nights made us nostalgic for our innocent, carefree years serving in the U.S. Navy.

However, we are beginning to suspect that Chibi Edward may not, in fact, be six years old. This is very disappointing for us, for reasons we care not to disclose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SLIGHTLY LESS GRAND PRIZE:

1-year phoenix and a portrait space!

 

Mark's Gym: An innocent gym, or a home for the muscular, fit, sex-crazed citizens?

By Chibi Edward

FURRABIAN NIGHTS - Many innocent furres wandering the confines of Furrabia, or FurN, must have come across this enigma at least once in their journey. It is located just beside the Gay Forest Inn, a place many homosexual furres love to engage in hot, sweaty games, while heterosexual furres outside watch and giggle for inexplicable reasons. Why, then, would a gymnasium be placed next to somewhere so full of lust, desire, and underpaid janitors cleaning up strange messes? This is what I've come to investigate.

The entrance seems to be that of a normal gym, if not a little demanding in the fact it commands you place your 'dream' there or something. It even smells like sweat, vomit, and intestines, like most gyms do. But wait - sweat is also a factor in the neighboring Gay Forest Inn! (Which will now be abbreviated to GFI. You know, FYI. Though I never do reference it again.) You see, there is more to this than meets the eye. I took the liberty to venture deeper, and have discovered that the seemingly innocent machines are actually sexually stimulating devices. They even have terrifying monsters, and items used in bondage for the 87.6 % of furres who enjoy those kinks. I know who you are.

 

I think I'm going to be sick....

 

The weight machines are also coated with a strange, sticky substance, be it sweat or otherwise. I really hope it's sweat, though, because I wasn't wearing gloves when I took a sample.

Why did I take a sample of some unidentified liquid? Simple. Mark himself has apparently come out with a new feature, the 'auito summon!' I had to find out what it was. Since the poor man was AFK, probably from working too hard doing things best left unsaid in his paradise, I couldn't just ask him. Are you crazy?! He's huge! He'd probably beat me up! I'm not getting paid enough for that sort of thing. Give me benefits and vacation time, and we'll talk.

All in all, I have only come up with a theory as to what 'auito summon' is. It must be a super secret, classified code to take all of the equipment out of the cloaking mode you see in an instant. I know what they are despite that mask, because I have really cool golden eyes and therefore see all. Like the fact your zipper is undone, and I can see your thong. Hunter Green is not your color.

 

 

 

It's hard to miss Comic Entendre shamelessly promoting his "stand-up" comedy, whatever that is. Supposedly it's telling jokes into a "microphone" at a "club" in "real life". Now, I may not know what these words mean, but I'm pretty sure that comedy only exists on websites. Specifically, awful-looking news websites about talking animals and so on, mindless drivel....

So we were frankly shocked when Mr. Entendre wrote a Furcadia-related article, and it was MAYBE kind of funny (I guess!).

And despite the cheap jabs at poor Honcho (unknowingly the head editor of The Muskrat), most of the Dragon's Eye Productions staff, and even all 60,000 or so Furcadia players (that means you!), we gave our third place prize to Comic Entendre. I'm not sure why. Probably because I fear his godlike wrath.

 

Note: Please disregard the underline, italic, and bold letters in this article. They came with it and are probably just typos.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOMEWHAT AWESOME PRIZE:

1-year triwings!

 

False User Base

By Comic Entendre

Bots have plagued the public mapz of Furcadia for as long as Emerald Flame can remember. Fortunately for us, she has the memory of a gold fish... As well as the bowel control of a flock of geese, but that's another story. This story is about the disease that has spread across this land that so many seemingly abnormal people call their anti-social home. In our investigation, we've uncovered the truth. These people aren't people at all. They're the weakest form of artificial intelligence known to man... er, furre. While Furcadia staff boasts a user base of 60,000+ players, our reporters have gone through extensive research and investigation to prove that these 60,000+ players are really only a mere three people and the rest are nothing more than poorly scripted bots.

Since Honcho is a cheap retard who rode the little yellow school bus and allows freelance reporters to only use a mere five hundred words in articles, you'll have to use your imagination and I'll have to use highly sophisticated subliminal messages. Now, I know you're stupid, but don't worry. I learned how to implement these subliminal messages from a Tibetan Monk who was trained by a Russian Czar who was trained by an Arabian Sheik who was trained by a French Monarch who was trained by a Scottish Warrior who was trained by an Irish Drunk who was trained by an Virginian Politician who was trained by a Dragon's Eye Productions staff member. Fear not, I have no idea what I'm doing.

There are three concepts you must already understand in order to grasp the outcome of our investigation: Newton's Theory of Throw-An-Apple-In-The-Air-And-Get-Hit-In-The-Head-By-It, Einstein's Theory of Why-Ee-Equals-Em-See-Squared, and Men Baha's Theory of Who Let The Dogs Out. The last theory, of course, is the most important. Each of these three concepts is used in everyday life so we're going to assume you already know and understand them. If you don't then you're a moron and you should succumb to your Emo-side by cutting your wrists. Remember, you can't spell Emo without Me... because you're dyslexic.

Now , we 'd like to point out the two individuals who maintain most of Furcadia's user base: Felorin and Talzhemir. Felorin diligently uses Visual Basic 6.0, the retarded child of programming languages, to create proxies and botmaking clients under other various character names. The most annoying, of course, is the one he used to submit this article: Comic Entendre. He claims to be a comedian who's in no way funny, but also floods Furcadia with stacks and heaps of useless "third-party" software until he's able to steal enough source code from SourceForge projects to implement a new bug (or feature, as Dragon's Eye Productions calls it) into Furcadia. We'd continue to tell you Talzhemir's involvement in this travesty, but as we said before... [This article has been truncated to appease the five hundred word limit.]

 

 

 

We can't say anything bad about Auora or she'll blackmail us.

Congratulations, Auora! Awesome article!

 

*cries*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PRETTY GOOD PRIZE:

A portrait space!

 

Scribes Missing!

By Auora

The other day, I was wandering around the Beekin Volunteer Listing and found that all the Scribes had disappeared! Left were two AIC's and one group head. Being the concerned furre I am, I went and asked nicely what happened to all the Scribes.

Oddly enough, the only furre that didn't tell me to "mind your own business" was Courie, who used to be a Scribe, she looked away from me sadly and in a quiet, wavering voice she told me that she didn't know a thing about it and that if I knew what was best for me, I'd just let it go.

I ran out of furres to talk to and still couldn't find any information on why they all disappeared. Farrier was unavailable for comment, Rei-Jin smiled sweetly at me before stating that if I didn't stop harassing her she'd mapban me for a month, and Youlanda... well, I can't talk about that, it's just too painful.

What happened to the Scribes that is so horrible that Courie goes into fits of panic whenever the words HTML, Beekin, and pneumonomicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis are mentioned? Could this be part of Damadar's plot to take over Furcadia by first cutting off the Beekin groups one by one until DEP is forced to give in to his demands? Is it true that Gar put catnip in Felorin's tea? Only Tallus knows...

 

 

 

Sade figured it out. Write an article about one of us. Compare him to a Monty Python member. Put him in a situation where he is slathered with pig sweat and minotaur semen.

It's a sure-fire way to win!

And it worked!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OKAY PRIZE:

5 Gold DragonScales!

 

MONTY PYTHON SCANDAL BEHIND "THE MUSKRAT" FINALLY EXPOSED; GUARDIANS SLIP UP ONCE AGAIN

By Sade

NAIA GREEN, FURCADIA: After many nights of intense staking out the secret hideout of El Borracho, evil overlord, flamenco musician, and editor-in-chief of Furcadian news sensation "The Muskrat," a squad of Guardians attempted to bring Borracho into custody once again, this time after a forensics investigation led by full-time Helper and part-time private (and public) dick Myles Callum revealed that Borracho was, in fact, Graham Chapman, famed outside of Furcadia for being a founding member of the Monty Python comedy troupe. Furcadia staff did not take kindly to this security breach. As the squad of Guardians took strategic positions and closed in upon Borracho, but the Furcadian newsmaster/real-world funny dead guy had seen them coming, slathering himself in what Head Guardian Cironir (who led the sting) described as "What seemed to be a bizarre concoction of pig sweat and minotaur semen" and eluding the Beekins for several more days, finally perching at the top of a tree in the south of Naia Green. According to eyewitness and local furre Larzuk, Borracho was "Totally naked, flapping his arms like a bird and screaming about how he wants somebody to finally love him for who he is."

We'll keep you informed about this breaking story as we receive more details, but regrettably, all the reporters we have sent to question Borracho have simply been peed on until they ran away in screaming terror.

 

 

 

Damadar, not knowing what to write about, approached us for ideas. Angry at being disturbed from a private encounter in Furrabian Nights with Gar, we shreiked back, "write about the filthy scum that lives in Meovanni!!!"

So Damadar did, despite being one of the aforementioned scums (it's a word!).

Congratulations, Damadar!

 

 

 

ACCEPTABLE PRIZE:

2 Gold DragonScales and 10 Silver DragonScales!!

 

Mycroft's Bar to be torn down

By Damadar

This just in from Emerald Flame's desk: Mycroft's Bar to be torn down with next update to make room for the new "Olde Town" adult dream!

"Well, you know," Emerald was heard stating, "It's not like we're building these new maps in a place that's infinite in size! We've got very few places where we can build new things!" She then glared at us, before flittering away. We're now working on a lawsuit due to kitterwing glitter burning our eyes.

Local Mycroftian Manivo had this to say, "DO U NOE NE1 SINGLE?????" when told about Mycroft's bar being torn down. Local King, Amfortas, was devestated. "Like, man, I'm the King of Mycroft's, you see? And, if she tears it down, I won't, you know, be the King anymore, and that'd be bad, because, what good is a king without a kingdom?" After which he burst into tears, and hasn't been heard from sense.

Felorin was disappointed to hear this news, but as he is banned from Furcadia, he is unable to make any changes. We got in touch with him, for this comment: "Mycroft's is just this bar, you know?"

Construction is slated to begin every four months. Just like the Furcadia Update.

 

 

 

Freelance Furcadia Fotographer Kiyichichi tried her hand or paw or prosthetic hook at writing. We're not sure if she wrote an article or what, but she wrote it!

For her tireless efforts, we give her 20 Silver DragonScales. You can buy a cheeseburger with that!! (actually, you can't)

 

POINTLESS PRIZE:

20 Silver DragonScales!!!

 

Something happened somewhere

By Kiyichichi

a penny

The penny I found.

Yeah...there was this place, and stuff happened.. I wasn't really paying much attention because there were too many shiny things around. Like that penny. It's really shiny. ..Oh wow, something just happened over there. Everyone's running around and stuff and being all.. rioty. But they aren't shiny. So I don't care. Because you can't buy candy with rioting furres. ..Unless it's a candy store where they sell candy for rioting furres. But even then it's doubtful, you know? Because sometimes the furre isn't worth enough for candy.

 

 

 

Foxicity's article really confused me. When I get confused, I get angry. And when I get angry, I pick fights with random strangers in museums. One time I was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and this curator was like "dude, try looking at the art when you're baked, it's really —"

For our Mildly Insulting Prize, we chose Foxicity's extensive article due to its topical nature which will cease to be relevant 5 days ago, its rambling and aimless presentation, and its unashamed exploration of ocelot love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MILDLY INSULTING PRIZE:

100 Copper DragonScales!!!! (these things are useless!)

 

By Foxicity

On Wednsday evening, an elaborately embellished carrier pigeon soared through the unseen skies of Naia Green. The three furres who were actually looking at their Furcadia window gazed up in awe as the feline-shaped bird passed by. Flyers were streaming out of a flyer-propulsion chute strapped to the back of the bird. A bystander was lucky enough to catch one, and he read it aloud in a monotone and contemptuous voice.

 

"its my duty, my job to save wildlife. If one person can change maybe the whole world. we need to learn to respect wildlife and thats what im here for." says Steve Irwin that died September27,2006. His wife terri refers to her husbands death as "my prince was killed". Many people where sadined by this as we will now say the word that he always used to say when the good or bad happened,"CRICKY!". I am his memorey that will flutter away telling people to remember this great man."

 

A forensics expert was reached and bombarded with hellishly nonsensical questions regarding the potential nature and origin of the article the pigeon dropped. "It appears to be crudely written by a dull crayon of an indeterminate shade of purple," says Sade, an 86 year old forensic investigator of global acclaim (and no relation to Marquis de Sade). The note was signed in jagged script "Steve Irwens pigion" [sic]. The general consensus of the area, after the furres present had managed to regain their composure, was that the note's writer fell into the age demographic of 8 and 11. This has not been confirmed, as the pigeon could not be reached for comment. Several questions also arose, pertaining to the note's content. One common concern was the alleged date of Irwen's death. A montage of uncited research ensued, and discovered that in the sixth dimension, Steve Irwen died on Sepetmber 27th, 2006 after having swallowed an alkaline battery. That was all the information received, for the interdimensional warp closed shortly after that, and we were banned from the sixth dimension's version of Furcadia. In the end, neither the water buffalo or his forbidden ocelot lover got their cotton candy. The end.

 

 

 

And for the last of our winners, we have an article by Tarquin Lightfoot, the drag king of late-night comedy.

Despite mispelling his or her idol's name, he or she managed to pull off a pretty funny article. However, his or her considerable effort notwithstanding, he or she gets our or we's very worst prize, 1 Copper DragonScale (equivalent to .01 yen). Nice job, Mr. or Mrs. Lightfoot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COMPLETELY INSULTING PRIZE:

1 Copper DragonScale!!!!¡ (now you can buy a Build-a-Home!)

 

BRITTANY SPEARS’S ZOMBIE TERRORIZE ALLEGRA ISLAND

By Tarquin Lightfoot

The streets were filled with screaming furres running to the nearest build-a-home for cover Monday as the zombie of Brittany Spears terrorized the streets with a horrible singing voice and an obvious pregnant belly. Furres who listened to her singing “Oops I did it Again” promptly dropped to the ground in convulsions. Fans ran to her wanting her autograph soon lost their appetite when her maggot ridden spleen fell out of her body. Emo Kitty, one of the lucky survivors of the horror said, “OMG! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! SHE WAS OMG THERE AND OMG OMG! SHE STOLE MY RAZOR!” Allegra Island police failed to capture the elusive Brittany Spears zombie and hired the Bomberfurre players to use their pyrotechnic skills in hopes to blow the terrorizing has been singer up. All efforts of capture was futile. An anonymous newfurre reportedly asked the terrorizing zombie, “Where is Vinca?” Brittany Spears’s head exploded with mental strain ending the reign of terror. Felorin awarded the newfurre a life dragon for her heroism. Dr Pookie examined the remains of the corpse and reports, “her zombification was triggered by the peroxide she was using on her hair. Peroxide is known to cause what we know as ‘dumb blonde syndrome.’ Not only it lightens the color of hair, but it also kills the user’s brain cells. Sadly, because Brittany Spears had no brain in the first place, the peroxide zombified her” Brittany Spears’s burial is scheduled to take place in FurN where she will be cremated in the fire pits.

 

 

 

 

Phew! That was tiring. I'm going to have to lay down for a — OH WAIT WE'RE JUST BEGINNING!

In random order (the order in which we got them), here are all the Runners Up!

They're funny too, but they didn't compare us to Monty Python members, so they don't win anything.

 

 

 

Here we have an article by the inscrutable Shinichi Kudo, high priest of the Church of The Happy Cannibal.

Touching on bugs in Furcadia and even difficult topics like religion and spirituality, Kudo's submission was amusing but slightly confusing. I blame it on ADD (mine, not his).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

H(e)aven is a place on earth?!

By Shinichi Kudo

The past few centuries - or 4 years, really - scientists were trying to find out the secret of (New) Haven. Haven used to be a popular mainmap, but when Naia Green got discovered, the dream got empty- really empty. The question was," where did everyone go!?!?!" "Furcadia was invaded by tiny creatures called "bugs". There are theories that these bugs revealed something for a short time", explained the historian Dr. Cat ,"anyways, I gotta go afk now!".

We've used a very expensive and new machine, called "FSH-editor" to find an answer to the question! (see photo) "OHMYGODLOL!!! KEWL!!11!1" screamed two scared furres who were hoping to meet their "old friends". Some time later Dr. Cat told us, " I'm back!! It seems as if Haven really is Heaven! Or Hell! Or both!" - These friends, a.k.a. as ghosts, are old indeed. We got the answer to the question - it's 42!!!!! Or "they all went to heaven! hell! or both!" really.

 

 

 

 

This story by Reko expertly touches on what it means to be a Furcadian, the concerning state of public education, and the shocking lack of furrepaper in our furrebathrooms.

However, the last sentence of his article seemed unlikely, and we were unable to contact Reko to confirm that his source was accurate. Due to this uncertainty, we were forced to destroy Reko and his family with large comically misshapen potatoes.

 

 

 

 

By Reko

So yeah. I finish all my homework and look on my e-mail and see one that is from Spam@muskrat. "Oo. I wonder what that could be?!", I ask myself. I open it and start to read. (I swear to you this is all fake.) And I decide to write an article on what not and, well stuff. It says to write about Furcadia, but the first thing that popped into my head was.. well.. me in school this morning. I'll just tell you what happened before I started school. (In Furcadia style)

I take my furreness to the bathroom at some random highschool I went to in AI, sat on the toilet (Boy, was it cold!), and what great surprise I get, there is no furre paper. (You know. The kind of thing that you wipe up with.) Thank Felorin (God) for my bright idea to use notebook paper from my furrepack. And well.. you know the rest. ;x I left the highschool and returned to Naia, with a piece of notebook paper stuck to my shoe. Oh the shame?!? And when I told my furremom, (Imaginary) she started to laugh. In return, I slapped her and locked myself in the random highschool's toilet stall. "Oh well," I sighed, "better to get back to class."

Upon peeking in other stalls to see if anyone was there to hear my trauma, well.. uhhhhm... read on?

In other news, your mom is in the bathroom stall next to me.

 

 

 

While we are strongly in favor of bird-hating and cannibalism, Jessa's article deeply offended us. My mother, is in fact, a fireman, and has a large, well-groomed beard that contains the bones of assorted rodents from her brunch. Occasionally we will go to Disneyland and eat elephant ears (the fried oil "snack", not the ear of an actual elephant, which is surprisingly pretty bad-tasting, or so Nostradamus tells me), but there are actually many different types of tree frog, not just one.

I seem to have lost my train of thought, so let's just move on to the next one.

 

Birds have high demands

By Jessa

It has been reported many times that there are delirious birds at the Rameen Festival, (A.K.A. Ramen Fest, oh yum), demanding crackers and Caviar!

"It's insulting! That they should demand the caviar we lazy furres beg so hard to get, and in the end just wind up being even more obese furries! But of course, we can't even do this with them snatching up our caviar crackers." exclaimed one cleary upset furre.

Later that day, one furre refused to give up the crackers and caviar! The bird, known as "Jose", then took the mentioned furre hostage, not only demanding crackers and caviar, but also a fellow named Polly! It is now believed the bird is a cannibal, and our sources tell us the furry was eaten by this said "Jose"

Too bad later that evening the bird choked on a cracker, resulting in a horrible death. I was just starting to like that bird too. The funeral will be October the 9th, 3435343 central time. Also, birds can't count.

 

 

 

 

 

Sacrid Mace's article is heresy! After years of political maneuvering, we have infiltrated the deepest levels of the Beekin Administration, and we will not tolerate anyone saying anything bad about it!

DISQUALIFIED!

(this doesn't actually mean anything)

 

 

By Sacrid Mace

It has come to my attention that the Beekin Help Population are not really beekin helpers. Due to startling new evidence told to us by some guy, who may or may not be on drugs, the Beekins are actually part of some conspiracy to take over Furcadia. "dfskjgsdgjgkg. eti94876!" was what our source said, who wishes to remain nameless. If you look closer the word "die" is in there somewhere so thats whats probabbly going to happen. We interviewed one beekin and they simply stated "No comment" which most likely means "Yes we are taking over the world but we just dont want to inform the public yet." We tried to set up an interview with Emerald Flame who is the beekin program creator but she was busy or wasnt online when we tried to contact her, most likely trying to recruit more beekins to brainwash to make her army stronger to make it easier to take over the world.....

 

 

 

Here's an article submitted by Carrie O'Kaye. It's the wrong kind, though.

DISQUALIFIED!

(we hate clever jokes)

 

By Carrie O'Kaye

The

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are very confused by Calto's article. It is said to be about an "attempted suicide", but later it appears to have been successful.

Besides confusing us, it depressed us. Thanks to Calto, I am now drinking heavily, and have even succumbed to such hard liquors as Jack Daniels whiskey, Nutella, and ground pumice.

DISQUALIFIED!

(like I said, it doesn't mean anything. I just like saying DISQUALIFIED!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fur Attempts Suicide

By Calto

observe as the young chick takes its first steps out of the nest and into a life of flight...

People of The Haven were saddened today as an attempted suicide shocked everyone. Madrian Vernuck, Age 35, went to the peaceful dream of The Haven, where he was noticed by no one. Upon his arrival, only to find out the old man was climbing a tree in an attempted suicide. Furs first looked at the fur in curiosity and stupidity. "I was just sitting on a rock, minding my own business until I saw someone standing up on a tree. I thought he gone nuts, but maybe he was trying to get a good view from the sky." Victoriana Maskuvetz said as she was relaxing cosingly with her imaginary friend, "My friend saw the whole thing when he jumped. I was too shocked to realize the truth."

observe as the young chick takes its first steps out of the nest and into a life of flight...

We will miss this old fur, and so will all the other furs across The Haven. No one really knows him as most of his family have already passed away. Not much else can be said about the fur's body, or even the belongings the fur has had. A few hours after the fur has been laying on the ground, three strange looking black cloaked felines walked by and took the fur up in a body bag. Only thing that was left behind was a card upon the tree, stating, "My name is Madrian Vernuck."

 

 

 

Baci Cuore did not finish writing this report, as she promised. This fills us with blinding rage, Baci Cuore. Also, we don't know how to pronounce your name.

 

 

Furcadian Attack

By Baci Cuore

Life in as we know it in Furcadia, is gone. Furcadian Bob the Blob was on the scene. Let’s talk to Bob for a better look on the situation. “I was standing in Naia, and all of a sudden these big huge things came at me,” Bob states. “I poked it and it ate me, “ he continued.

ATTENTION: Giant Breadsticks trying to eat Baci rudely interrupted this article. She will continue writing the report after they go away.

 

 

 

I don't really know what to think about this one.

But thanks, Natural1985!

 

 

 

 

 

By Natural1985

My outlook on Furcadia is a Royal Paradise I come to Furcadia whenever I need a Place to cool out andRelax the people are funny and it is Just Hillarious to see a Horse or a rabbit hopping around on 2 feet I love it Furcadia is So Computer generated but when you have a bad day it is a good place to hang around and I love to meet new Furres being I am a Welcomer I always meet furres looking to do the Same thing I am there for to get rid of stress and get away from the real world I Like to play Furcadia I am always willing to try new thins I cam to furcadai about 9 years ago and I love it I am here almost every night for about 2 hours per night and That is my out look on Furcadia a fun place to come and chat Get away from the real world and Roll on the floor and Laugh your ass off (ROLFMAO)

 

 

 

Ezzel also decided to write an advertisement for Furcadia. This article, like Natural1985's, urges us all to give Furcadia a chance. Thanks to Ezzel's article, I want to try it out now! Now if only that URL would work....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Ezzel

Well. This is just my view of furcadia. I've been playing it for over a year now, and I have gained many friends and met many new people. But the real question is, did I learn anything? I sure did! Get this, I was doing pretty bad in English, getting grade E's and such. Now, because of roleplaying and talking and just playing about on furcadia, I've managed to get B's and A's. Also, people will be racist about other countries and people, but will not know anything about them. I've gone on furcadia and learnt all about Muslims and such, now I absolutely reject racism at all costs. See, furcadia somehow made me a better person.. Sure, the graphics aren't great, and there's no combat. But it's a great game for learning to grow up. So, in my opinion furcadia is an excellent game, and deserves a look at least. Some people don't like Furcadia, but have you tried everything Furcadia has to offer? Before you discourage others from trying Furcadia, find out what it is all about and you cannot do that in 2 minutes. Yes Furcadia is mainly a world wide chat room, but it has other features also. You can create your own little world, called dreams, expressive your creativity. You get to learn how to animate things and move people around in your worlds with script coding, called Dragonspeak. You can explore other furre's, yes furres because your character is an animal, worlds and see wonderful artistic work, normaly done pixel by pixel. Furcadia has many very talented artist. Alot of RP in Furcadia, and I mean some of the best RPers here. I really enjoy the creativity side of Furcadia. So I guess I am trying to say, just try Furcadia for longer than 2 minutes. Give it a chance you might actually enjoy it. Try it out!

wwww.fucadia.com

 

 

 

I'm not quite sure why Optical Illusion's article didn't win anything. I blame the Bush administration!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Disease!

By Optical Illusion

It has been brought to my attention that people are faking being Bisexual and the disease is spreading rapidly - Just like the disease of being a herm in FurN. I quickly took action in finding people at the dream Furcadia Radio to voice their opinions about the quickly spreading "Disease" of being Bisexual.

As for one furre by the name of Comic Entendre said something that started with: "To me, people who fake being bisexual are like all the other people who pretend to be something they're not." and ended with "When it comes down to it, they're nothing more than narcissists." but he seemed to drone on endlessly and I fell asleep during most of his ramblings. Perhaps maybe if he was actually funny, he might have been able to stay awake. -- as for BlkJay, He just wouldn't stop posing for my photographer while yelling "cheese!"

I moved on to asking other people one of which was the Co-owner of Furcadia Radio, Hazzel. She says, (While of course humping everyone's leg in turns) "I think it's stupid and annoying." I decided not to push Hazzel with further questioning since she seemed rather busy at the time and looked about ready to start going insane to drag her girlfriend off to a "private" room -- Spoke to soon. I was still not satisfied wanting to find an even more (to me) perfect and detailed answer. Then it came to me 'what would be better than asking the owner of Furcadia Radio herself, Deja Greycloud?' I asked her,

"Deja.. what do you think about the spreading "disease" of faking Bisexuality? It's coming as a ridiculous trend don't you think?"

Her reply, "OPTICOPTER MAKES ME HOT!" Thank you Deja. Your time and effort of going into great detail about the issue has now finished up my article.

My point -- Stop being fakers unless your really going to be Bisexual. Because it offends people... "I R BI" Sure you are Faith33. We totally believe you. ;)

 

 

 

 

This article by Zeyden confused us completely. Maybe it will make sense if you read it, or maybe your head will explode and you'll get blood all over your computer. That would be hard to clean up, especially if you don't have a head anymore. Maybe you could hire a maid somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fennec kit mistaken for tricks stealing rabbit?

By Zeyden

It started like any other day for this young fennec. Sneaking around the TSM in search of the infamous cookie as well as a sippy cup of juice, however things turned gruesome in a few short moments. Witnesses say they saw the young kit in the kitchen area of the lounge, digging around the fridge for the juice of the day. Witness one, when interviewed, whose name shall not be repeated for safety issues, stated “He was just standing there all innocent like, cute really. When all of a sudden this man came out of no where and.. and…” She broke out into tears and poofed. Seeking out another witness, which was Benge, probably not the best but he still saw something. “ Kekeke jejejeje.. Juice, it was purple. He likes purple… Can I eat your face?” With a brief interview, our reporter quickly ran and hid behind the enraged kit’s mate; for interviewing purposes really. However his mate had not been there, such as our reporter’s brain not being located in his cranial cavity. When the kit finally got over crying every one their each and own river, he agreed to the interview. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong.” He said as his mate stood near him, slaughtering anyone who looked at the kit the wrong way. “Sure, I stole the cookies from the cookie jar, people’s watches, rings, necklaces.. Valuables.. All shinies.. But I did not steal the juice, I was simply borrowing it when that mad man came up to me!” he had exclaimed as he gripped his mate. “He stole my candy and knocked my sippy cup from my paw and said ‘Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.’ Oh the horror.. I am not a rabbit..” he sulked as his mate dragged him away saying the interview was over. It was later found out the kit stopped the assault by shrieking loudly enough to stun his attacker. Mushynuts being the culprit at hand who so hurtfully assaulted the kits emotions, was apprehended and sent to the Slave Chambers to be sold as a rabbit himself, even though he really isn’t one. There you have it folks.. Tricks are for kids. Sad really that rabbits are denied these tricks. What is a trick? Will we ever know what exactly this mad man had intended for the kit? Is the kit really a kit, or is he really a rabbit? Does it really matter?

 

 

 

Cho Satoshi rambled on and on and on and on and on (and on) and on and on (much like this!) about personal experiences. It's funny and all, but after reading 20 or so articles, my brain is beginning to feel like a large tureen or gravy boat of warm, halfway-decomposed peat moss.

I'm sorry, Cho Satoshi. Your article is actually quite funny. I'm just a horrible, sadistic person. I... I'm sorry... *begins to cry*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'What the heck?' moments

By Cho Satoshi

No matter what the joy is of being at Furcadia, there is always something that makes the experience just plain odd. I'm writing, of course, of the newly-dubbed 'What The Heck?' moments. Said moment, is defined by something very odd happening, or encountering a very strange furre. Usually followed by the thought 'What the heck?'.(Variations with curse-words included.) Normally the moments go hand-in-hand, but usually the two are completely unrelated. A furre named 'Talina Greyfoot' could do something odd, just as the furre 'Ahkeelyou' could be a completely normal person. And if your name happens to be 'Talina Greyfoot' or 'Ahkeelyou' please don't kill me. I didn't know you really existed.

Moving on. For example: One day, yours truly was trotting through a wolf roleplay dream, enjoying the sights and sounds.(That was before, of course, I turned the sounds off because they were bothering me.) Anyway, I was walking along, and proceeded to enter a den. Sitting in the middle was a grey wolf. I didn't see him/her/it at first, and I walked inside. Normally when one walks into an occupied den, one is snarled out, and chased away. However, this time, the wolf just sat there. Upon being noticed, I took my trusty mouse, and clicked the heck out of him/her/it. I never did figure out it's gender, but found that the character named something along the lines of 'Table Lamp'.

Another perfect example of a 'What The Heck?' moment is when one is standing in AI, and someone spams something that corresponds with a conversation that they were just in. For instance, I was walking through AI, when all of a sudden there was a vulgar comment made about someone(male) who liked chicken. This was meant as an insult, and was taken as one, which made everything all the stranger.

Another wonderful 'What The Heck?' moment is one everyone has experienced, no matter who they are. When in Furcadia, you normally meet someone in a dream, or somewhere, at least. You and the other furre talk for a while, perhaps roleplay a bit, and you never think to click on them. You have this thought in their head that they're, let's say, male. Then you decide 'now would be a good moment to do a little clicky-clicky'. So you do. And the port space - or the description - shows the other gender.

The far more rare part to this instance is when you accidentally 'yell' something out about it. Something like: 'You're a GIRL!?' or 'Holy crap! I thought you were a guy!'. Variations of these sentences can be seen, usually with 'omg' or 'wtf' placed in front of them. 'Lol' may also follow if your androgynous rp-partner has a good sense of humor.

In short, Furcadia is wonderful place to roleplay, socialize, or just hang out. However, there are times when you slip on the proverbial banana-peel and are left saying "What the heck?"

 

 

 

Sophie Ryan wrote an article expressing her hatred of n00bs. Take that, n00bs. Actually, we probably don't get many n00bs here, so they don't know about our mocking of them. This makes us sad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kiwibomb explodes in Mystic Homes

By Sophie Ryan

On Friday, September 29, a kiwibomb went off in the ‘popular’ Mystic Homes. More or less, some haters of the dream (and suspects, too), this place deserved it because it is n00b city. Officials, however, think that someone was trying to rid the place of the staff so they could get a job. Once again, that would be n00bs.

“w311 th3r3,” Foxy Foxypaws, a witness, said, “h3 w3nt & ‘ploded on h1sself. O course I w3nt & h31ped h1m!!!!!!! omgzorz lyk 1t ‘ploded!” For those of you who may not understand, she basically said that she helped him and he exploded on himself.

“That kiwibomb was dangerous,” commented an anonymous furre. “It ran through the entire place, and finally went to the desk to explode. Many of those injured were n00bs – we had no casualties. We’ll be back up and running soon enough.”

There you have it – n00bs trying to take over Mystic Homes with a kiwibomb of death!

 

 

 

Hanabi 4150 wr073 4n 4r71c13 480u7 n00b5. W3 d0n'7 kn0w why 3v3ry0n3 h4735 7h3m 50 much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have n00bs really gone to the dogs?

By Hanabi

FURCADIA - In recent news, due to a hightened rash of incidents, it appears that the increasing numbers of 'n00bs' or formally known as, 'twinks' have become on the uprise. Survays have included recorded instances of emos and wantsting morons going into dreams spewing about how bad their life sucks, or complaining that dream owners aren't 'responsible' enough to handle maturity when using the emit features. Consequently, the saturation level of this kinda, 'drama' has become much more rabid then we remember from back in highschool with drama queens. "OMFG U R SO M333333333333333AN!" and "DUN SAY DAT UR LANGUG OFFNDS M33333!!111!!11oneoneoneeleven", seems to've become common place. Expecially when dealing with the furres who only see oppurenity to 'highten their entertainment' with idiosism.

WOW! How utterly amusing.

And of course, most rational furres are nothing more then brought to histerics by these displays of bedlamite tandrums more often known as, "Roadkill Netspeak." But we all know that most of these outbursts are due to, 'lack of social and friend skills'. But hey. Not like we all can't use some soap box entertainment at the end of a rather, horrible day. :)

 

 

 

Finally, bringing up the rear (lol, rear), we have our LOSER.

You may be asking, why is Dotness's article the LOSER? It's actually pretty funny!

That's all well and good, little Timmy, but we had to have a loser! So we chose one at random, and — what?

We didn't have to have a loser?

 

 

....

 

Oh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, Dotness. Here, let's make it up to you.

 

LOSER'S PRIZE: 2 Gold DragonScales!

 

By Dotness

30 minutes after the emit about the Muskrat writing competition, a green bird, apparently by the name of Dotness, was panicking around Naia. Witnesses have seen the furre bump into many trees in confusion. After a while, the bird, wanting the enter the compitition, started hugging people, aswell. Occasionally, the bird would say "T_T"

After a furre managed to calm the green bird down. After reasoning a bit, the bird agreed to tell what was exactly going on.. Though the bird just complained. Here's how the conversation went:
Dotness: "Why didn't I know of this? And it's today, too! D:"
Reporter: "You.. didn't pay attention enough?"
Dotness: "But.. but.. I'm a European! Those emits come at a wrong
time! Like right now, it's 7.30 AM. And I got school soon D:"
Reporter: "Most of the furres are American, though.."
Dotness: "So it's unfair for Europeans! D:"
Reporter: "...Well, anyway, you going to try to enter, now that you know you're running out of time fast, and only have less then 12 hours left?"
Dotness: "Ofcourse! People see me as a clown anyway. I'll just put up something random.. and hope I win something. I'm desperate to win at least something.. may it be that one scale, I don't care. :x"
Reporter: "Well.. Good luck."
Dotness: "Thank you."
Reporter: "May I ask one more question?"
Dotness: "Sure! But I have to start working on it soon, so please make it short. :x"
Dotness: "Why are you interviewing yourself, seeing as you're the 'furre', aswell, you've just acted doing that, though you actually did.. And are done writing this within.. 15 minutes?"
Dotness: "I told you I'm desperate! D:"

 

 

 

 

Well... that was sure something, wasn't it?